straitjacket f.c.

No matter where you travel around the globe, there is one thing that is virtual certainty to be found among the local population: crazy people.

Balotelli Straitjacket

the official kit of straitjacket fc

That’s right, crazy people. They are everywhere. Statistics indicate that as many as 1 in 3 people currently have a mental disorder. So if you think of two of your friends, and neither of them are crazy, then you are the crazy one. There’s no sense in denying it. Don’t get mad at me — blame the statisticians if you’re going to blame — so why don’t you calm down and take this pill.

Much better. Now let’s continue.

No matter what walk of life you’re from, nor the social circles in which you associate, there are bound to be a few crazies sprinkled amongst you. And professional footballers are not immune to the statistics either. In fact, they even seem to have a predisposition to it. Maybe it has something to do with the competitive nature of the sport, or perhaps it’s due to having our heads pounded by the ball repetitively throughout our youth. Either way, there do seem to be a lot of mentally unbalanced players out there. Now, I’m not talking about players that make insanely poor choices on the pitch. No, I’m talking about the type of crazy where a player is liable to kung-fu kick a fan behind the sponsor boards.

Which got me to thinking: if I were to name a team composed of the craziest footballers, who would be chosen to pull on the straitjacket kit?

So before I skip off to the local mental ward, I thought it best to define a set of rules for selecting players to a team that should probably be medicated:

  • I’m limiting this list to current footballers, simply because there are far too many former crazy players to fairly make a team. Maradona, di Canio, Gascoigne, Chinaglia, René Higuita, Cantona… you see where I’m going with this.
  • I’ve opted for the trusty 4-3-3 formation to construct my side, simply because we need enough spots for the plethora of unbalanced strikers in the game. Though admittedly, we should probably be starting a side full of keepers if we’re using that logic.
  • I’ll also be selecting a manager, as no proper team can be named without someone to steer the good ship Crazy.
So without further ado, here is who I’d pick for the first ever starting XI for Straitjacket F.C.
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i want

Image

We human beings, regardless of which corner of the globe from which we originate, are inherently greedy little creatures. Our desire to accumulate wealth, valuables, personal effects, etc. — and the status derived from them — is the engine that drives the world. And I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m no different. I want stuff. Lots of it. And nearly as soon as I get something that I’ve wanted, there’s always new want to replace it almost immediately.

And it’s from this never ending desire to “want”, that I’m launching WSOTP’s newest recurring feature: I Want. Anytime something I really, really want — whether it be soccer apparel or gear, art, electronics, shoes or anything else football related — I’m going to tell you about it. I’ll quickly explain why I want it, and if you want it too, you can proceed to the end of the post for a retail link. It’s like uncrate.com, but just for footie obsessed individuals such as ourselves. So without further wait, my very first want pictured above is…

Nike Mercurial Vapor VIII FG in Sail/Soar/Challenge Red
Anyone who regularly reads the blog probably knows that I’m a huge fan of Nike boots. I haven’t worn any shoes other than Nikes as my primary boots since probably college, and almost all of those have been predominantly white themselves. So even though I really dig the “electric mango” version, my preference for the new white-flavored Vapor 8 was actually pretty predictable.

Thanks in part to my extremely narrow and tiny little girl feet, the Vapor line has been a mainstay in my shoe repertoire for quite some time. And with the raving reviews of the latest model of the boot pouring in from around the globe saying that Nike significantly improved their marquee boot, I think it’s time I end my two year run with the CTR 360′s.

CLICK HERE IF YOU WANT  |  http://www.soccer.com

gutted

Chelsea’s victory in Saturday’s UEFA Champions League final having bumped Tottenham out the next edition of the Champions League, I’m completely gutted. Helpless despair is the best way to describe the feeling, as if the thousand yard stare glued to my face since hadn’t given that away already.

the official picture of all spurs fans, post champions league final.

This season has certainly been a one of extreme highs and lows as a Spurs fan. Yet from the highs of an ultimately farcical early season title challenge, to the lows of minding a gap of our own, I’m still proud of the club for cracking the top four for the second time in three seasons.

The pride, however, doesn’t save me from the sorrow.

So as Didier Drogba netted the fifth and decisive spot kick for the Blues, I got up from my seat, somberly said my goodbyes to my friends at the pub, had my wife drive me home, and then proceeded directly to bed where I stayed until 6 AM Sunday morning. Admittedly, I probably needed the twelve hours of sleep, but I don’t doubt it had as much to do with trying to sleep away the pain as it did with needing to catch up.

However, as much as I’d like to, blaming yesterday’s Champions League Final result for the disaster of not being able to participate in the world’s premier competition next season is nothing more than blame shifting.

Trust me, I’d love to blame Spurs’ fate on Bayern blowing it. I want to rage at UEFA for their stupid rules. I’d like to scream at Bayern’s Arjen Robben and Bastian Schweinsteiger for taking their penalties with about as much confidence as can be found in a thirteen year-old girl with weight issues. And mostly I want to punch Chelsea’s Roman Abramovich right in his stupid billion dollar face, for stealing something that we rightfully earned with the worst Chelsea squad of his iron-fisted reign. But I know that none of those parties really deserve the blame for the position in which Spurs currently find themselves.

Could one hundred thirty minutes of football really be all it takes to ruin an entire season’s worth of work, and make all of that stress and suffering be for nothing? Sadly, no.

Yes, Spurs had earned fourth place over 38 English Premier League matches. And most years, that’s enough to get you to the promised land. But this wasn’t most years. Tottenham had more than enough opportunity to put themselves in a position where even if Chelsea won, so that Saturday’s result wouldn’t have even mattered. Third was ours for the taking on a number of occasions. But instead of seizing a multitude of moments, we repeatedly shot ourselves in the foot for the better part of three months. As a result, our reward has been downgraded to yet another season toiling away in Europe’s land of afterthoughts, the Europa League. Deservedly so.

Spurs put us here, nobody else. Blaming the downturn in fortunes on John Terry getting to place his racist, adulterous fingerprints all over the European Cup is just a cop-out. We can’t go about pointing fingers at Michel Platini, Fabio Capello, Chris Foy or anyone else, unless we happen to be staring at ourselves in the mirror.

levy will have to show even stronger resolve this summer to hang on to — and appease — spurs’ most valued assets.

And whether it was Old Twitchy losing the plot, the team losing focus, a select few maybe even having their heads turned, or Dan Levy not wanting to spend any money to adequately bolster the squad over the past few windows — it’s probably a combination of all those factors — our club is the only one to blame for the mess we currently find ourselves in.

What comes next is anyone’s guess. A million different scenarios are in play, and if Saturday’s unfortunate result means anything at all, it’s that we have an adventurous summer to look forward too. Our squad might look completely different come September 1st. And on many levels, that’s not a bad thing. All I know is that Levy and Redknapp need to act fast, and act decisively. Get rid of fringe players, bring in fresh (younger) talent, and try our damndest to hold on to our best players, giving our manager all the tools he needs to put us in position to get to the promised land again.

In the mean time — as gutted and angry as I am — I’ll still get behind Tottenham Hostpur Football Club like I have so many times before, and support and love the shirt. Another adventure awaits us just around the corner.

ten words or less #53

President Obama and that LA Galaxy

president obama received his official galaxy shirt from landon donovan and a spanish conquistador david beckham.

Now that league champions have been crowned, and European places are (almost) finalized, everyone’s attention has briefly  transitioned from on-field matters to off. Transfer speculation is in full swing, managers have been hired and fired, and agents are busy trying to count their chickens before they’ve hatched, Even the American President has gotten in on the action.

And like every other seasons’ end, I’m struggling to finalize post drafts that I’ve been working on for weeks/months. Some will be trashed, while others might yet see the light of day. So as I busy myself with making such important decisions, here are ten of my favorite  links from the last week to satisfy your quench for footie-related goodness.

Maradona suing Italy for trying to collect his back taxes. – kckrs.com

In case you’ve not seen it, here’s The Two Escobars. – youtube.com

A minimalist’s history of the World Cup. - andrefidusi.com

City might be making another Džeko if they sign Llorente. – inbedwithmaradona.com

Fake country Sealand play their first “international” match. – bbc.co.uk

Spurs’ new Under Armour kits are… surprisingly acceptable.
- reddit.com/user/IamHereForYou

How the players reacted when Hodgson was named England manager.
- theoffside.com

What it takes to put on a live MLS broadcast. – philly.com

United’s signing of Bébé always smelled fishy. – theoriginalwinger.com

Canada and Umbro team up for centenary kit sexiness. – blog.umbro.com

tarnished silver

To put it simply, yesterday was amazing. The 2011/2012 Premier League finale was one for the ages, overflowing with drama and unpredictable to its penultimate finish. If there was ever a perfect example to illustrate what makes soccer so transfixing as a sport, this was it. Survival Sunday – as it’s come to be dubbed — left little to complain about for even the most hardened of soccer critics, considering all the intrigue, all the league place changes, and all the goals.

all it takes is one moment of stupidity to tarnish an otherwise truly memorable day.

None of the ten matches finished goalless and 32 were scored in all. And thanks to those goals being spread out into a near even distribution throughout the 95+ minute matchday, it made for great drama as the potential final league table rapidly shifted nearly from minute to minute. At a point early on in the running, United were soon-to-be champions instead of City, Spurs had jumped Arsenal into third, and QPR were sitting in the relegation places instead of Bolton. But by the time every final whistle had been blown, none of that held true. It was so hectic, Fabrice Muamba admitted it was probably bad for his heart.

All said and done, round 38 of the Premier League season was almost the perfect day of football.

So why just almost? Yesterday’s ten matches proved to be a rather undisciplined affair. A total of 30 cautions were handed out, and a further two straight red cards were drawn on top of that. And while that should be expected to a certain extent — after all, a lot was riding on yesterday’s results at both ends of the table — and even added to the intrigue at certain points, it certainly calls into question the merits of the FA’s entire “Respect” campaign.

In particular, QPR midfielder and self-prescribed “pacifist” Joey Barton’s sending off is of great concern.

Yes, Barton is an easy target thanks to his lengthy list of past indiscretions, even more so thanks to the fact that he never shuts his trap on Twitter. And yes, his retaliatory elbow to Carlos Tévez’s face was probably deserved by the Argentine, so I can excuse him for losing his head in the heat of the moment. But his actions post red card — including an unprovoked knee to Kun Agüero’s ass and a mis-directed headbutt aimed at Vincent Kompany — were so far beyond unacceptable professional behavior that I can’t really find words for it.

barton’s histrionics against city were inexcusable, even if entertaining.

As Barton’s on-field meltdown played out, my immediate thought was, “Joey’s just gone over the deep end.” He attacked two players for what appeared to be no reason other than unadulterated rage, so it was easy to write him off as the same old nutter that we saw in Newcastle and City colors in years past. No sense in questioning it further.

But when Barton (inevitably) returned to Twitter after the match to explain himself, he revealed his true intentions to be far worse than just a fit of rage:

The head was never gone at any stage, once I’d been sent off, one of our players suggested I should try to take 1 of theirs with me… (See tweet here)

By saying “the head was never gone at any stage”, that means that Barton knew fully what he was doing, and was acting with a clear head. And by saying that he “should try to take 1 of theirs” with him, it was clear he was deliberately trying to provoke a Manchester City player to retaliate against him and earn their own red card. Or in short, Barton openly admitted that he attacked a player for no reason other than to get another professional sent off… disgusting.

At bare minimum, this kind of lack of professionalism sullied the beautiful nature of yesterday’s generally positive theatrics. And while I can see the tactical ideas behind Barton’s actions, that doesn’t excuse the methods he attempted to use to help level the playing field. He knew he couldn’t get sent off twice and leave his team with just 9 men, so he went out of his way to hurt people just to better his club’s chances of survival. And to me — and hopefully 99% of the fans out there — I’d rather my side go down swinging in a fair fashion, then see us survive because one man chose to abuse the system.

Today, the FA announced they’re charging Barton with two counts of violent conduct, and that’s a good first step. But with only a potential for a 9-match ban under the current system, I think it’s fair to say that Barton deserve a bit longer suspension. Half the season seems appropriate, given his frankness and unapologetic nature about the matter. His lengthy wrap sheet should only amplify the implications. It seems the appropriate message to send about such poor sportsmanship, if only it’s a message to the kids since Barton clearly won’t learn a damn thing from it. Throwing the book at him will hopefully inspire other, current and future players to stray away from such lewd acts moving forward.

the last time i checked, joseph, pacifists don’t need restraining from two members of their coaching staff.

The ironic part about the incident was how unneeded it actually was for Rangers. For one, the melee following Barton’s actions likely created the extra time in which City were able to find two, game-winning and title-securing goals. And two, QPR were only doomed if Bolton were able to secure three points, which couldn’t manage to do. And now his side — the one he’s so glad to have “helped” stay up — will be without one of their crucial players for a sizable chunk of the next campaign. In his own words, what a helmet.

Look, I know I’ve been ranting on about how horrible Barton’s actions were, and how it seems like I think said actions ruined one of the finest days of football action in a generation. But that’s not true: he didn’t ruin it. Barton’s idiotic behavior, however deplorable, was nothing more than a blemish on an otherwise amazing Premier League finale. And in five years time, I doubt his storyline will be the one that springs to mind first when thinking back about it.

But Barton’s behavior is the type of tarnish that’s hard to rub off, and one that the Premier League would be wise to address before similar behavior permanently ruins the league’s shiny appeal.

the end of an era for the premier league?

This is a short excerpt from my first featured post for KYCK, a brand new soccer-centric social media platform that discovers, curates, and delivers personalized and highly relevant soccer content based on your view of the game. To read it in it’s entirety, please click here or click the link at the end of the post.

Manchester City on the verge

could we be on the edge of a new sky blue-tinted era in england’s top flight?

Most things in life are cyclical in nature, where periods of normalcy are interrupted by periods of change. Some periods might be longer or even permanent, while others are short and fleeting. The rise and fall of the stock market, the warming and cooling of the earth, and even Real Madrid’s or Barcelona’s dominance of La Liga are all prime examples of the eras within these cycles that we see come and go. Each has a beginning, and each has its end.

When thinking about the 2011/2012 Premier League Season, it’s easy to wonder if we might be at the beginning of a new era in the English top flight. Looking at the league table with just a week’s worth of fixtures left to play, that could very well be the case.

Manchester City’s lavish spending over the last few years appears on the verge of finally coming good, as they’re in pole position to supplant their neighbors as champions for their first league title since 1968. Manchester United — the most dominant side in the Premier League era — are likely to fall just short thanks to their own transitional period at the club.  Supposing the Citizens secure three points at QPR this weekend, they’ll be the first side outside the traditional “Big Four” clubs to win the title since Blackburn Rovers also bought their way to the title in 1994.

Continue reading “The end of an era for the Premier League?” on KYCK. →

ten words or less #52

Bolton's Fabrice Muamba

it’s alright fabrice, some dust blew into my eyes just prior kickoff too.

With the European season winding down, high drama is in overtime with all of the various plot lines around the world of football starting to reach their conclusions. The title race, the war for the Champions League places and the relegation scrap are all reaching fever pitch entering the last two weeks of the season in the Premier League. Montpellier, just a few matches away from claiming their first ever Ligue 1 title, spectacularly lost their cool and will now be without captain Younes Belhanda for the rest of campaign through suspension. Real Madrid even bagged their first La Liga title in four years, prompting celebrations in the Spanish capital that thousands of toddlers around Spain had never seen before.

That’s not even including all of the transfer speculation heating up… lucky you, I’m not going to even broach that subject today. Instead, I provide you these ten links in less than 100 words to get your weekend off to a roaring start.

Muamba’s return to the Reebok… tugs at the heart-strings. – news.sky.com

A clever bit of “Barça Iconography”: their own Holy Trinity. – twitter/#/Paul_Morrissey

Why I live on the wrong side of the pond. – deadspin.com

Ironically, a great thread arguing how American soccer actually is.
- reddit.com/user/botron

Someone lock this man in a hotel room, too. – kickette.com

Like the soap opera Dreamteam, except it’s a real team. – dirtytackle.net

Guess which of these gimmicky products I formerly owned. – theclassical.org

The Rust Belt Derby… a non-manufactured, organic rivalry. – soccernews.com

Why Woy is the wight man fow the job. – zonalmarking.net

If WSOTP had an office, this would hang there. – kckrs.com

an open letter to simon borg

MLS' writer and commentator Simon Borg

here we see borg standing next to a woman. she probably has no clue how uncomfortable her presence makes him feel.

Mr. Simon Borg
MLSsoccer.com
420 Fifth Avenue, 7th Floor
New York, NY 10018

Mr. Borg:

I am writing with regards to your comments concerning female soccer fans around the 59′ mark in the May 2, 2012, edition of the ExtraTime Radio podcast on MLSsoccer.com. Since the podcast itself has been edited to remove said comments — and just in case you’ve managed to forget what you said during recording — I’ve provided the quote below:

It’s fine if you’re a female and you want to be a super-fan. Clearly go for it, that’s your choice. But there is something to be said for how appealing that might be to the other sex. Having a woman that’s such a fan, like painting your face, tuning in to every podcast. I don’t know how many males would be into that.

It’s great that in Kansas City there are a lot of women in the stands, it’s great, but for the guy who wants maybe a serious relationship… If you are following just casually, but if you’re such a die-hard, I don’t know, it comes a point that it is a bit of a turn-off. (source)

Where to start, where to start. Oh, I know… that was a pretty sexist statement. Effectively, you’re saying that it’s not really socially acceptable for women to be “super-fans”, or at the very least that it’s not “appealing.” You know what else used to be unappealing for women? Voting, being in the work place, and wearing jeans. Perhaps you’d like it better if we could wind back the clock to the good ol’ days before women’s suffrage was ratified, where ladyfolk wore respectable, floor-length dresses and they knew their role was to let their husbands enjoy an MLS match without being bothered by her cumbersome yapping.

Last time I checked, ExtraTime isn’t a league-sponsored dating advice podcast. It’s an MLS-centric and soccer podcast, so perhaps we can stick to commentary that’s along those subject lines. Even if your show was about dating, your comments could best be described as terrible advice. Isn’t it awfully presumptuous on your part to assume that not that many males would be into a females that are “die-hard” soccer fans? You confirmed that’s not what your into, but I can guarantee that there are plenty of guys who are.

Female Timbers Army Members

trust me when i say, there's a man out there that finds this young lady enamoring.

In fact, one of the multitude of reasons I decided to marry my wife was due to her being an ardent soccer fan prior to the two of us even meeting. I liked that I didn’t have to take her to her first MLS match (never mind her 20th or 30th), that she played and continues to play soccer, and that I didn’t have to explain to her the difference between club football and international football. She has her own opinions about the sport independent of mine, and we’ve even had heated arguments spawn out of conversations about who should be in Tottenham’s starting eleven on match days. To be honest, I had to marry a girl like her just because she understands my passion for and need to write about the beautiful game.

However, my biggest problem with all of your comments, Mr. Borg, is that you’re not just some small-minded journalist writing for a mid-sized, Midwestern city’s newspaper or blogging at some underexposed blog from the same portion of the country (ahem). No, you write and talk on the league’s official website. Which means you’re technically on the league’s payroll, and therefore represent their interests. And whether you believe it or not, your influential position means you can help to shape the thoughts and ideals of your listeners and readers. That makes statements like these extremely dangerous.

I can guarantee you that MLS wants those female fans just as much as the men, and I’d imagine a short walk up to Don Garber’s office will confirm as much. Their tickets and replica gear cost just as much as their male counterparts, after all.

And if you think about it for a minute, female MLS fans could potentially be even more valuable than male. They’ll bring not just themselves to the game, but could also potentially lure admirers to attend — men have done far worse to earn a woman’s admiration — or bring an army of children to games too. Soccer mom’s are a powerful demographic, or so the story goes.

So next time your on air and the topic of conversation swings in a similar direction where your personal opinion on non-soccer matters could come in to play, stop and think for a moment. Otherwise, you should probably get used to pulling that foot out of your mouth.

Respectfully,

D.J. Switzer
Wrong Side of the Pond