handle with care

Everyone knows that players aren’t invincible. Nearly every match you watch will feature at least one player limping/strechered off with some sort of injury, and a quick glance at the weekly physio report from around the Premier League will confirm as much. Some are severe, requiring lengthy rehabilitation spells, while others are simple knocks that only keep them out of action for the rest of the match.

Aston Villa Support Stan Petrov

before this season, you didn't often hear of players having major medical issues. this year, they're damn near omnipresent.

Oddly though, these expected injuries seem to enrage us. How can they get hurt so often, when it’s their job to stay fit?

This unrealistic expectation normally boils to the surface whenever a player falls victim to repeated injury blights. Think of all the ridicule leveled at Arsenal’s Robin van Persie during his extended and repetitive injury spells over the last few years. Fans and media members alike skewered the Dutchman for glass-like fragility, even throwing him to the wolves when he sought out alternative – albeit an odd alternative — methods for finally getting healthy.

However, injuries that result from playing or occur during training are expected parts of the modern game, especially considering the congested fixture calendars and pre-season tours that players are subjected to these days. Ultimately, they annoy us, but there’s no possible way we can completely eradicate them from the sport.

What isn’t expected, though, are illnesses that fall outside the realm of football. Yes, we’ve grown accustomed to a player picking up an injury from time to time. But the news of a player being diagnosed with potentially life-threatening disease always seems to catch us by surprise. Which is odd, because the same thing happens to us “commoners” all the time.

Modern professionals are already blessed with speed, strength and athleticism that the average fan could only dream of having. With so many perceived “superhuman” qualities, we can be forgiven for believing our on-pitch heroes should also be immune to the ailments that trouble normal folk.

Unfortunately, this season we’ve seen that isn’t exactly the case..

Barcelona's Eric Abidal Scar

abidal had to go under the knife a second time to treat his liver cancer. hopefully they at least gave him a matching scar on the right... you know, because aesthetics are important.

Milan’s Antonio Cassano suffered a stroke on a return flight after a match, thanks to a small hole found in his heart. Manchester United’s Darren Fletcher was diagnosed with an inflammatory bowel disease, which has kept him out of action since November. Aston Villa captain Stiliyan Petrov was unexpectedly forced to retire from the game after he was diagnosed with acute leukemia. Barcelona’s Éric Abidal had to have a liver transplant last week after it was determined that an earlier surgery to remove a tumor was unsuccessful. Fabrice Muamba’s heart stopped and didn’t beat on its own for over an hour after he collapsed on the White Hart Lane pitch.  And then just last week there was the tragic passing of Livorno’s Piermario Morosini, who also suffered a massive heart attack mid-match.

With such a high number of major medical problems plaguing the game in such a short time span, you can’t help but suddenly feel alarmed for the players. You wonder things like “Is playing soccer make an inherently dangerous to a player’s health?” I mean I still play a significant amount myself, so in the interest in self-preservation, I should also probably ask “Am I at risk?”

Luckily, the players are asking themselves the same questions.

The day after Muamba’s cardiac arrest, the entire Tottenham playing staff demanded to have heart evaluations. A natural response given the circumstances, though it was alarming to learn that such exams aren’t regular requirements for professional players. Considering how much is invested in them, you would’ve thought that the clubs would want to protect those investments a little more proactively. But in most cases — outside of the medical conducted upon a player’s initial signing — they’re rarely ever put through any cardiac testing or check-ups. Which is even more odd, because this isn’t a new battle that players have just recently begun to fight.

Former Manchester City and Lyon midfielder Marc-Vivien Foe died on pitch during the Confederations Cup in 2003. Sevilla winger Antonio Puerta died three days after a series of on field heart attacks in 2007, and was followed several months later by Motherwell skipper Phil O’Donnell. Espanyol captain Daniel Jarque was also lost to a heart attack, though his occurred after hours during preseason in 2009. There have been some near misses, too. Rubén de la Red, a promising Real Madrid prospect, was forced to retire two years ago thanks to a heart condition that saw him collapse during a 2008 Copa del Rey match. Or how about young Belgian Anthony Van Loo being shocked back to life by his implanted defibrillator in this shocking 2009 video:

Look, we all know that playing the beautiful game is a physically taxing activity, and that it puts increased strain on our hearts and lungs. For most of us it’s a good thing, and we could probably all stand to get more of that kind of activity. But for the professionals that are out there each day in training and match days, that can be a lot of cumulative stress.  Darren Fletcher’s bowel issues are also thought to be the partially cause of stress — both physical and emotional — and could necessitate surgery to remove his colon. I’m no doctor, but I would have to think that the prevalence of such traumatic health problems should at least be cause for looking into the how stress is affecting players’ bodies.

The general assumption is that players are stretched too thin due to the number of games the modern game demands. Ideally, we would roll back the number of games they’re expected play. But in a world where the thirst for top flight football is growing exponentially — meaning there’s money to be made if matches are played — that’s not remotely possible.

Even if we’re not going to be rolling back the playing time expectations, I think an important Plan B would be for clubs to at least take a greater interest in the health of their players. If regular exams and physicals aren’t the norm, they should be. You would expect that regular heart screenings, stress tests, and general physical exams would be the bare essentials for a sport where fitness is so pivotal. And while it’s highly unlikely that Abidal’s or Petrov’s ailments are the result of football-induced stress, perhaps if the players were subjected to more frequent medical screenings, earlier diagnoses could have been made.

Chelsea's Eva Carneiro

i promise that i'm not abdicating more medical presence in football just so i can see more of eva carneiro.

And if all of these are things that do happen on the regular, could someone tell us about it? Otherwise we fans feel like we’re being left in the dark, thinking that the players have to resort to visiting Serbian witch doctors for crackpot placental treatments.

Regardless of the treatment they’re receiving, it’s not all gloom and doom when it comes to player health these days. Muamba was just released from hospital following his extended stay. Post heart surgery, Cassano recently returned to action for Milan and has been given a clean bill of health by his doctors. And even Salvador Cabañas, a player who was shot in the head nearly two years ago, has defied the odds and returned to playing in his native Paraguay.

If nothing else, these small miracles are enough to give courage and strength to those other players currently suffering with such issues. But we also can’t forget that these players are far more fragile than they appear, and major medical procedures are far from an exact science. Quick fixes will do nothing but conceal the problem that lies underneath. Player health needs more attention — plain and simple — and we’ll only have ourselves to blame if another youngster is lost because everyone simply assumes that professional athletes are in prefect health.

ten words or less #48

london 2012's "the albert"

for a ball with such an awesome name, couldn't have adidas gone with a slightly less faded 80's design for the official ball of london 2012?

With less than 30 minutes until kickoff between Spurs and United, I’m a literal train wreck. I’m stressing over Tottenham’s extremely weakened line-up squaring off against a solid looking starting XI for the Red Devils, and the potential repercussions of fielding such a weak squad in such an important match.

The only thing that could keep my mind from going into complete meltdown mode was to finish up this week’s TWOL post… though admittedly, it’s just a temporary reprieve for my fingers from the endless nail-biting that awaits over the next two hours.

This is how you know footballers make too much money. – theoriginalwinger.com

Every Euro 2012 Kit… who’s your favorite? – football-shirts.co.uk

Sadly, this might be the best pitch in Cuba. – kckrs.com

Chelsea are sunk because of… Napoli’s three in the back? – guardian.co.uk

MLS eyeing Florida for expansion; apparently doesn’t learn lessons. – soccerbyives.com

French kiss… quite literally. – kickette.com

I will actually watch more Crew games because of this. - thecrew.com

Suprisingly relevant Will Ferrell link: he apparently loves Chicharito. – dirtytackle.net

If this happened to me, I’d literally shit my pants. – youtube.com

How can one properly celebrate while sitting? Answer: you can’t. – soccernet.com

wrong side XI: left mid

this is part X in the “wrong side XI” series, where i’ll be selecting my very own starting eleven, assuming of course that i could choose any player from any team in the world. you can read the rules i’ll be following to make my team selection, and what formation i’ll be squeezing them into, on the first post in the series.

Ezequiel Lavezzi, Gareth Bale, Eden Hazard, Cristiano Ronaldo, Juan Mata

my shortlist for left mid compiles players from all over the world: argentina, wales, belgium, portugal and spain.

At long last… we finally reach the front three of my hypothetical team. It’s been a long time coming, considering that this series was originally intended to wrap up prior to the end of Summer 2011. And while I’ve spent roughly the last 10 months (occasionally) working on this project, debating relatively boring positions, we’ve now crossed the threshold into the so-called “glamour” positions.

Whether you want to call this player a forward, an outside midfielder, or a winger, he’s almost exclusively an attacking player. Sure, my formation defines this position as one of the five in the 4-5-1. But in practice, it’s a position that behaves much more like one of the forward three in a 4-3-3.

In general, I expect these players to attempt to receive the ball high and wide on the touchline. From there, they can do what they like: drive further forward on the flank, cut into the middle, or drive in a cross. In fact, I expect a large majority of my attacks to funnel through the left or right mid’s feet as I would instruct my players to look to the wings as option #1. Defensively, I just want them to high pressure when the ball is near, and track back whenever the other side breaks.

The job of picking this player, as you might expect, isn’t very easy. The primary reason for this is the cornucopia of wide attacking players that I enjoy watching. The second is because many modern wingers are becoming more and more ambidextrous in their wing of preference. But I’ve got a good set of contenders in mind that I doubt many would argue with… jump past the break to see if you would or not.

Continue reading

ten words or less #46

 

louis saha rushed in for tottenham medical

louis saha was rushed in for a late medical to complete his move from everton to spurs.

As the dust settles after another underwhelming transfer deadline day, I’m sure all of you readers are fed up with transfer news and gossip. I am, at least. In an effort to stray away from that topic of conversation, and to give your brain a break from digesting it all, I’ve put together this TWOL that contains absolutely zero transfer news. Except for the mocking picture above. So if you’ve come here look to catch up on yesterday’s “madness”, you might want to navigate elsewhere.

Barça’s kits next year: taking Blaugrana to literal the extreme. - football-shirts.co.uk

Milan disrespecting a man to whom they owe so much. – foxsports.com

The perfect artwork for me: one part nerd, one part Spurs. – onasixpence.bigcartel.com

FIFA’s looking into allowing four subs… only in injury time. – guardian.co.uk

I want to play Norwegian Bubble Football right now. – kckrs.com

Trolling Atlético fans, Spanish press, and knock-off kit manufacturers. - reddit.com/user/coolinwithcosta

Pushing your best player out the door, Philly? Bad idea. – delcotimes.com

Don’t click this unless you have a lot of time. – si.com
courtesy of an old high school frenemy, @Ryan7Hurley

Bravo to whomever “amended” Dan Borislow’s Wikipedia profile. – kickette.com

Someone needs to make Twellman and Wynalda watch this. – youtube.com

ten words or less #45

tim lieweke, david beckham and bruce arena

you have to wonder if beckham knew about the galaxy's new kits before he agreed to come back to MLS.

I don’t know about any other bloggers, but sometimes I go through spells where I feel like I have absolutely nothing to write about, which are then followed by very brief periods where I feel like I have a million things I need to share. Right now, I’m in the middle of one of the busy bits. I’ve got at least four separate pieces I’m working on at the moment, so if nothing else, you’ve got some original content coming shortly…. Hooray, right?!

Additionally, I feel like I’m going to wet myself in anticipation of Tottenham’s clash with Manchester City this Sunday. The thrashing the Citizens gave Spurs back in August seems like eons ago. And even though the city-loaned Adebayor won’t be allowed to play, the Citizens are lacking key players (thanks to the Africa Cup of Nations) and aren’t in the best form. If Spurs win, they cement themselves as title contenders. If they lose, well, they’re just being Tottenham. Lot’s riding on this game, hence my bladder-exploding excitement.

In the meantime, enjoy these recent works by other people:

Maybe Spurs shouldn’t be buying a new centerback this window. – eplindex.com

I need a game like this to come to Android. – kckrs.com

No matter what your team nickname is, these aren’t acceptable. – football-shirts.co.uk

Appreciating the defensive midfielder. Best article of this young year. – inbedwithmaradona.com

Finally: the Open Cup will be a proper cup competition. – theoriginalwinger.com

Wherever Tévez goes, drama is sure to follow. – thespoiler.co.uk

The quaint nature of Non-League football is sometimes overwhelming. – pitchinvasion

If Adidas make these in white, I might ditch Nike. – soccerbible.com

A “How to look like Leon Best” instructional video… sorta. – youtube.com

You’ve never heard of the world’s most prolific, active goalscorer. – thescore.com

wrong side XI: defensive center mid

this is part VIII in the “wrong side XI” series, where i’ll be selecting my very own starting eleven, assuming of course that i could choose any player from any team in the world. you can read the rules i’ll be following to make my team selection, and what formation i’ll be squeezing them into, on the first post in the series.

these fine gentleman face off for my defensive midfield starting spot.

You probably thought I had forgotten about these Wrong Side XI posts, didn’t you? Admittedly, I haven’t been cranking out these posts nearly as fast I originally promised. And yet here we are, with summer in the rearview mirror and my summer post series is still dragging on. You can see my excuse on the site’s Facebook page if you’re really interested in hearing the reason for the delay.

Anyway, it’s high time we get back to it, and we’ll do so by narrowing down my selections for defensive midfield. I’m guessing due to the wait I put you all through to get to this point, I you’re probably not interested in a further wait, so let’s dive right into my #5 choice…

Continue reading

the many dreams of robbie keane

new l.a. galaxy signing robbie keane

wait, so he's always dreamed of playing for LA? uh... ok.

Growing up on the not-so-mean streets of the Tallaght in South Dublin, a young, bright-eyed Robbie Keane had many dreams.

While just dreaming of becoming a professional footballer would be enough for the average aspiring young player, a boy-aged Keane could scarcely suffice with just dreaming for that alone. Ambition, after all, should never be limited.

You see, the nubile Robbie Keane dreamed of one day plying his trade for not just one club when he grew up. How short sighted. Instead, Robbie dreamed of playing for many illustrious football cubs. But how do I know this when I’ve never interviewed him?

Well, he’s publicly admitted as much… several times.

Crumlin United to Wolverhampton Wanderers (1997)

a young robbie keane signs with wolves

this awkward-looking teen had a mind full of dreams.

“I had expected to be playing in the reserves and, all going well, that I might get a chance in the first team towards the end of the season. But it has all happened much faster than I could ever have thought.” – Robbie Keane

I couldn’t find a damn thing about Keane signing a professional contract with Wolves on the internet, mostly because the web hardly existed then and I don’t feel like paying to read old newspaper archives. So I just posted the earliest quote from the kid I could find. But I’m guessing making the rapid jump from Dublin small-time to the England big-time was dream worthy. (Not such a Source: The Independent – 22 November, 1997)

gordon strachan signs robbie keane at coventry city

keane's purchase by coventry was a dream move for the club at least.

Wolves to Coventry City (1999)

“All being well it will be one of the great signings for Coventry City that has ever taken place.”
-Kevin Richardson

If I became the most expensive teenager in British history, I would certainly be living in a dream scenario. And based on Richardson’s statement above, the then-City chairman clearly thought it was dream-worthy to land the 19-year-old Keano. (Source: The Mirror – 19 August, 2009) Apparently though, they didn’t let teenage signings speak to the press about their arrivals at a new club that time, since no quotes from Keane could be unearthed about his signing. However, he did provide this snippet after scoring two goals on his dream debut:

“With all due respect, I have nothing to prove about my worth to anyone.” – Robbie Keane

It seems that, if nothing else, he was cocky as hell about it. (Source: Sunday Mirror – 18 August, 2009)

Coventry to Internazionale (2000)

“I am absolutely delighted at the prospect of joining a world famous club like Inter.” – Robbie Keane

Despite likely being one of the two biggest clubs he has ever played for, it seems that this wasn’t a club that Keane dreamed of playing for. Instead, he was just “delighted.” This should hardly be surprising though. After all, kids from the British Isles always tend to hate playing on the continent. (Source:The Independent - 30 July, 2000)

leeds united sign robbie keane in 2000

he doesn't look dream-come-true happy.

Inter to Leeds United (2001)

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that Robbie wasn’t dreaming as a child that his eventual move to an Italian giant would end in just 6 months later. A return to Leeds, initially on loan, would save him. And since I can’t find a quote on it, I’m guessing he never dreamed it.

Leeds to Tottenham Hotspur (2002)

“I know I said I didn’t really want to leave Leeds but when I came here to talk to Glenn his long-term plans appealed to me and that is why I am now a Tottenham player.”
- Robbie Keane

Shit… let’s just ignore this one, alright? I mean, it would be my dream move to be signed by Spurs, even if it was in a desperate, cut-rate fire sale to attempt to keep my old club from going under. Sadly, no matter what I say or dream of, that doesn’t change whether or not Robbie dreamed of playing for Spurs. Sigh. (Source: BBC – 31 August, 2002)\

Though to be fair, he probably did dream of moving back to Spurs after his disastrous spell at his next club.

rafa benitez and robbie keane at liverpool

see, now that looks like a dream-come-true happy face.

Tottenham to Liverpool (2008)

“I’m not saying it wouldn’t have happened if I’d come to Anfield then (1997), but I always held out hope that I’d come back and this is a real dream come true for me.” – Robbie Keane

I feel inclined to believe Robbie on this one, as it’s been reported for a long time that he’s been a life-long Scouser supporter. But, I feel fairly safe in assuming that he never dreamed that the experience would effectively be a disastrous, 6-month, £8 million loan. (Source: The Sun – 30 July, 2008)

celtic signing robbie keane

signing at celtic was his father's dream, and apparently the dream of all of those fans being held back by police.

Tottenham to Celtic (2010)

“I always wanted to play for Celtic. I’m happy to be here and I can’t wait to get the jersey on for real.”
- Robbie Keane

So he didn’t exactly say that it was a dream of his to play for Celtic, instead saying that he “always wanted to play” for the Hoops. And I’m confused, because he said when he joined Liverpool that the Mereysiders were the club he supported growing up. Huh. But apparently Robbie Jr. playing for Celtic was his deceased father’s dream, and Harry Redknapp was even quoted as saying, “He’s a big Celtic man, it’s a dream come true for him.” Therefore, I am confident that this was a dream of his, too. (Source: The Sun – 3 February, 2010)

Tottenham to L.A. Galaxy (2011)

“I have always wanted to come and play in MLS so it’s the perfect combination for me and a dream come true.”
- Robbie Keane

Considering that Robbie was 12 when the first MLS match was played in 1993, I’m beginning to suspect that the Irishman has some skills in clairvoyance in addition to his fading footballing ones. I also suspect that he was eager to take a big MLS pay-day for less work than is required at a Premier League club, assuming there were even offers from England’s top flight. (Source: Irish Times – 16 August, 2011)

———————————————————

I don’t have any proof, but I have to imagine that Keane’s boyhood moto went something like, “I want nothing more than to be an extremely expensive journeyman striker.” And, to give credit where credit is due, he’s done just that.

Dream on, Mr. Keane: who knows to what heights they’ll take you next. China? Malaysia? Maybe even Ireland…

wrong side XI: holding center mid

this is part VII in the “wrong side XI” series, where i’ll be selecting my very own starting eleven, assuming of course that i could choose any player from any team in the world. you can read the rules i’ll be following to make my team selection, and what formation i’ll be squeezing them into, on the first post in the series.

three spaniards, a turk and an italian battle it out for my midfield maestro role.

Since we’ve already talked about the two positions I’ve played for most of my life (wing back and center back), I figured it would be best to start off the midfield lists with the position I always wanted to play growing up: holding central midfield.

Why did I want to be the holding mid? Because that player always seemed to be involved. Whether my team had the ball or not, they looked like they were in the run of play. I jokingly labeled the position “rover” because whoever played there appeared to be allowed to rove the entire pitch. I was always so jealous of that freedom and responsibility.

And though I classified this player as a “defensive” central midfielder in my initial post in this series, it’s important to note that the holding center mid is at times a very offensively minded player. Ignoring his defensive responsibilities for the moment, this player’s sole purpose on the pitch is the crucial role of linking the play between the forwards and the defenders. Of course this means that he must be extremely strong in possession as well as a tactically adept passer.

And to be completely honest, in the system I’ve chosen to implement in this team, this player is much more of an offensive player than a defensive.

But the defense role isn’t to be completely ignored with this position, and I’ve left offensively solid holding mids off this list because they’re defensive skills are lacking (Joey Barton or Jack Wilshire for example). Clogging up the passing lanes and stifling counterattacks before they start in the offensive third are typical tasks that this player will be assigned.

So who’s good enough going both directions to lay claim to this spot? Read on…

Continue reading

wrong side XI: center back

this is part VI in the “wrong side XI” series, where i’ll be selecting my very own starting eleven, assuming of course that i could choose any player from any team in the world. you can read the rules i’ll be following to make my team selection, and what formation i’ll be squeezing them into, on the first post in the series.

gerard pique, ledley king, neven subotic, nemanja vidic, and giorgio chiellini

one of these big men will anchor my defensive line.

After what’s seemed like about ten years, I figured it might be worth getting back to making my picks for my wrong side of the pond XI. It’s been at least a month since my last post in this series, which didn’t seem that horrible until I remembered that I was trying to make this a weekly ritual. So it’s without saying that it’s time to get back on track… no promises of increased frequency quite yet though.

Diving in to the task at hand, let’s pick back up by selecting the last of the defenders in my starting line up: the other centerback. Unlike his libero counterpart from the last post, this centerback tends to be the defensive linchpin of his side. Rarely straying from his back line, he’s the rock on which the rest of the team is built. In most cases, he’s like a general that leads by example.

And it’s those qualities that make this pick such an important one. A player without the adequate skill, intelligence, conviction or personality can cause the rest of the team to crumble around him, like removing a keystone from an arch. Witness Arsenal, a side rich with attacking talent, but unable to scale the highest heights because they lack the strong presence in the heart of defense. Conversely, part of the reason that Manchester United and Chelsea have had such success over the half decade is due to the strong leadership that comes from their primary centerback (Rio and Terry respectively). It’s hardly surprising to see this player wearing the armband for most sides.

So who’s the man I chose to lead my team from the back? Read on…

Continue reading

man whore all-stars

Even though I’m still knee-deep into a very drawn out series of posts to select my very own wrong side XI, I feel I have to name another very important all-star squad from the world of football.

ryan giggs on the cover of the sunday herald

maybe giggs will learn that in the age of the internet, nothing is secret.

With the near constant stream of super injunctions and confirmed tabloid stories about footballers having affairs and shagging ladies of the night, it’s only right that we give these men of such “quality” morals the credit they truly deserve… a man whore XI if you will.

Now in the spirit of fairness, I do want to make sure that I’m not unfairly labeling anyone as a cheater. And since it can also be hard to confirm who has actually committed such sinfulness, we’re also going to include players who are known for the playboy lifestyles.

So without further adieu, let’s get on to the dirtiest team in football:

Goalkeeper – Allan McGregor (Rangers)
Apparently the most faithful position on the pitch, I had to dig hard to find a current goalkeeper that plays the field… figuratively of course. After an hour of searching, I almost settled on this half-story from the South African second division. Luckily, a little extra dilligence yielded McGregor’s indiscretions. The most famous of those saw the Scotland keeper dating a series of young ladies, this despite the fact he had a live in girlfiend at the time. He later cheated on his mobster-linked ex-fiancée with that same live in girlfriend.

Left Back – Ashley Cole (Chelsea)
When not shooting club staff members, Ca$hley likes to spend the remainder of his free time either sexting pictures of his junk to American women or shagging with ladies of varying attractiveness. Apparently this became such a frequent issue that his supremely hot (yet infinitely annoying) wife decided to call off their marriage by text message. If he keeps this kind of behavior up, Cole could quite possibly be the most lonely man on the planet.

Center Back – John Terry (Chelsea)
Probably the worst teammate and friend you could possibly have in a squad, unless it’s this squad I suppose. It is never advisable to leave one’s WAG/daughter/mom around Mr. Chelsea. Just ask Wayne Bridge. And I don’t care that The News of the World have since said that the rumors were untrue. Something obviously happened because Bridge still refuses to play with his former best friend. Your 2009 Dad of the Year!

Right Back – Alon Harazi (retired)
I couldn’t find any mention of any other right backs involved in sex scandals, so we’ll have to turn our attention to the recently retired Israel defender. Hazari, who made over 600 apperances for Maccabi Haifa, was one of the contingent of Israeli players that had an all-night sex party full of prostitutes and alcohol prior to the country’s biggest ever match. Despite losing 0-5 to the Danes in the first leg of the Euro 2000 qualifier, Harazi and his teammates repeated the incident in denmark and lost 0-3. Didn’t exactly learn their lessons, did they?

cristiano ronaldo with a lovely lady

ronaldo may be a womanizer, but at least he never marries them.

Left Midfield – Cristiano Ronaldo (Real Madrid)
While Ronnie has a “long-term” girlfriend at the moment, and there haven’t been any rumors of infidelity in the relationship, the oily-skinned icon makes this team more for the ridiculous list of tramps/supermodels that he’s managed to bed over the last few years. Entire websites are devoted to cataloging his sexual conquests, which includes rumored hook-ups with American media whores celebrities like Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian. And when you have to pay-off an American waitress in South Beach to take the love-child you created with her, you probably know you probably deserve your spot here.

Center Midfield – Ryan Giggs (Manchester United)
The man whose name we should not say is a late and surprising addition to the squad. Long revered as a model professional, the old Welsh wizard was tricking us all after it was revealed that he was a cheating bastard. And now rumors are spurting out that Giggsy has spent the last 8 years having occasional frolics with his brother’s wife. With all of the stress of sneaking around, it’s no wonder that we’re seeing his hair quickly turn grey. I’ll now spare you some poor viagra jokes.

Offensive Midfield – David Beckham (L.A. Galaxy)
A serial offender deserves to be on this list, even if some of that series are only claims. The world’s most popular footballer certainly has no shortage of admirers, though he has an inkling for the help apparently. Either way, i can empathize with Becks though: I wouldn’t want to have sex with a crazed, plastic Barbie doll like Posh either.

Defensive Midfield – Paul Terry (Darlington)
The older brother to the captain of England, it seems as if adultery runs in the blood of the Terry family. Though Paul has never been able to reach the playing heights of his younger sibling, he has had just as much success in destroying people’s lives. Back in 2010, Paul managed to carry on affair with the fiancée of his Rusheden & Diamonds teammate Dale Roberts, despite already being married to Paul Konchesky’s sister. Roberts was so troubled by the betrayal of his teammate that he soon committed suicide. Those Terry boys are just stand-up individuals, aren’t they?

Right Midfield – Frank Ribery (Bayern Munich)
All the money in the world sometimes isn’t enough to find yourself a quality WAG, as the unfriendly-on-the-eye yet tremendously talented Ribery knows all too well. Maybe that’s the reason Frank felt it necessary to fly in the forbidden fruit of an underage prostitute from Paris in 2010. The then 17-year-old Zahia Dehar is also rumored to have, ahem, worked with other French internationals such as Karim Benzema and Sidney Govou… so he’s not alone in his desires at least.

Forward – Wayne Rooney (Manchester United)
While by no means saying he was right to sleep with an insanely pricey hooker, or a cheaper but older one for that matter, I can sort of see why Wazza might be prone to infidelity. He’s married to the same girl he’s been dating since he was a schoolboy, and it’s hardly imaginable that a young egotistic star on the rise could resist the lure of reaping the rewards of his talents. He probably felt a need to soil his wild oats. However, why he didn’t just head to the club to pick up some young pretty thing instead of paying for an overpriced romp in the sheets is simply beyond me.

peter crouch and abbey clancy

can someone please explain to me how crouch cheated on clancey?

Forward – Peter Crouch (Tottenham Hotspur)
Someone needs to pull Pete aside and have him look in a mirror: there’s no way he won’t recognize while staring back at his pasty, gangly reflection that he is not that attractive of a man. That same person should then show him a picture of his fiancée: there’s no way he won’t recognize that she is smoking hot and that he should have no business marrying a woman so attractive. Then that person should tell him that spending thousands of quid for expensive prostitutes is a giant waste of the very money that has allowed him to bag a girl as hot as Abbey Clancy.

Manager – Sven-Goran Eriksson
Even the managers can use their fame and fortunes to feed their sexual appetites! The former manager of every team ever has twice been caught being unfaithful to his wife. The first time was with a decently attractive Swedish TV commentator, the second with an English FA secretary. He apparently also heavily influenced his successor, as Steve McClaren must have felt the need to live up to the bar set by Sven.

Also, I would rue the opportunity if I didn’t give a nod to these other legends of the game with an additction to the nookie:

  • George Best: The England legend is the original football playboy, famously once saying, “I used to go missing a lot… Miss Canada, Miss United Kingdom, Miss World.” baller.
  • Garrincha: The former samba star is the Wilt Chamberlain of world football, having a confirmed 14 children and the possibility of another twenty-freaking-four around the world. Dads fret not, your daughters are safe: Garrincha passed away in 1983.
  • Jean-François Larios: The former French international famously had a fling with the wife of current-UEFA president Michel Platini in the lead up to the 1982 World Cup. I actually like him a little bit for it.
  • Ronaldo: Il Fenomeno tagged bunches of ladies in his time, and possibly even some transvestites.
  • John Harkes: The American version of Larios, Johnny boy was dismissed from the USMNT shortly before the 1998 World Cup for having a quickie with teammate Eric Wynalda’s wife instead of attending a team meeting.

Now before any of you readers jump all over my back for glorifying assholes that treat women like the property, I don’t condone the behavior of any of the men listed above… unless they’re single. If that’s the case, my advice to those boys is: get it out of your systems before you decide to settle down. No one really needs a super injunction, right?