ten words or less #53

President Obama and that LA Galaxy

president obama received his official galaxy shirt from landon donovan and a spanish conquistador david beckham.

Now that league champions have been crowned, and European places are (almost) finalized, everyone’s attention has briefly  transitioned from on-field matters to off. Transfer speculation is in full swing, managers have been hired and fired, and agents are busy trying to count their chickens before they’ve hatched, Even the American President has gotten in on the action.

And like every other seasons’ end, I’m struggling to finalize post drafts that I’ve been working on for weeks/months. Some will be trashed, while others might yet see the light of day. So as I busy myself with making such important decisions, here are ten of my favorite  links from the last week to satisfy your quench for footie-related goodness.

Maradona suing Italy for trying to collect his back taxes. – kckrs.com

In case you’ve not seen it, here’s The Two Escobars. – youtube.com

A minimalist’s history of the World Cup. - andrefidusi.com

City might be making another Džeko if they sign Llorente. – inbedwithmaradona.com

Fake country Sealand play their first “international” match. – bbc.co.uk

Spurs’ new Under Armour kits are… surprisingly acceptable.
- reddit.com/user/IamHereForYou

How the players reacted when Hodgson was named England manager.
- theoffside.com

What it takes to put on a live MLS broadcast. – philly.com

United’s signing of Bébé always smelled fishy. – theoriginalwinger.com

Canada and Umbro team up for centenary kit sexiness. – blog.umbro.com

ten words or less #45

tim lieweke, david beckham and bruce arena

you have to wonder if beckham knew about the galaxy's new kits before he agreed to come back to MLS.

I don’t know about any other bloggers, but sometimes I go through spells where I feel like I have absolutely nothing to write about, which are then followed by very brief periods where I feel like I have a million things I need to share. Right now, I’m in the middle of one of the busy bits. I’ve got at least four separate pieces I’m working on at the moment, so if nothing else, you’ve got some original content coming shortly…. Hooray, right?!

Additionally, I feel like I’m going to wet myself in anticipation of Tottenham’s clash with Manchester City this Sunday. The thrashing the Citizens gave Spurs back in August seems like eons ago. And even though the city-loaned Adebayor won’t be allowed to play, the Citizens are lacking key players (thanks to the Africa Cup of Nations) and aren’t in the best form. If Spurs win, they cement themselves as title contenders. If they lose, well, they’re just being Tottenham. Lot’s riding on this game, hence my bladder-exploding excitement.

In the meantime, enjoy these recent works by other people:

Maybe Spurs shouldn’t be buying a new centerback this window. – eplindex.com

I need a game like this to come to Android. – kckrs.com

No matter what your team nickname is, these aren’t acceptable. – football-shirts.co.uk

Appreciating the defensive midfielder. Best article of this young year. – inbedwithmaradona.com

Finally: the Open Cup will be a proper cup competition. – theoriginalwinger.com

Wherever Tévez goes, drama is sure to follow. – thespoiler.co.uk

The quaint nature of Non-League football is sometimes overwhelming. – pitchinvasion

If Adidas make these in white, I might ditch Nike. – soccerbible.com

A “How to look like Leon Best” instructional video… sorta. – youtube.com

You’ve never heard of the world’s most prolific, active goalscorer. – thescore.com

a winter abroad

Two months. Eight weeks. Sixty days. It’s not a whole lot of time no matter how you look at it. But it seems to be the magic time span these days, at least for MLS players it seems.

aston villa's robbie keane and everton's landon donovan

by allowing its most prized possessions to go on loan each winter, is MLS playing with fire?

Whether urged on by Klinsmann’s pleas for American players to get more time in competitive playing environments, or spurred on by the past successes of the short-term moves of MLS-bigwigs, the growing fad in American soccer is to get yourself a two-month, winter loan to Europe.

There have been no shortage of temporary moves to Europe this MLS off-season. Of course there have been the hyped moves involving the loans of high-profile players like L.A. Galaxy duo Landon Donovan and Robbie Keane — who have moved to Everton and Aston Villa respectively — and Red Bull’s Thierry Henry return to Arsenal. But there have been lesser heralded moves too, such as West Ham’s move for F.C. Dallas defender George John and L.A.’s Omar Gonzalez heading to Nürnberg.

A number of other players are trialing or training with European sides to gain some experience, and hopefully attract a foreign bid or two. I’ve written a good deal about Brek Shea’s two months with Arsenal, but there have also been shorter training stints for at least fifteen MLS players. That’s included youngster Juan Agudelo at Stuttgart and Liverpool, Robbie Rogers and Kyle Beckermann at Kaiserslautern, and Tim Ream at Bolton and West Brom, just to name a few.

With the temporary moves coming for players all over the MLS spectrum — from established stars to up-and-comers — it’s promising that there appears to be a growing demand for the league’s improving talent pool. It’s a sign Europe’s elite sides are starting to at least consider that we’re a country capable of producing a decent amount of quality players worth having a look over.

However, I do have to wonder if all of these moves are the greatest thing for MLS.

For most of the young players, the moves will end up being nothing more than glamorous learning opportunities. Their goal will be to make the most of the time training with a different class of players, therefore raising their game or at least picking up the habits of higher level professionals. They’ll get the extra competitive football experience that the Jürgs says our country’s set up is lacking, and hopefully they’re return to their MLS clubs with a sharper knowledge of the game, and everyone will be happy.

But while MLS seems content to allow it’s shining gems to go out and grow themselves, it feels like they’re turning a blind eye to the fact that it’s also a great opportunity for the finest young talent in the league to showcase themselves to other, wealthier employers. I mean I can’t imagine a single one of those players not going into those trials/loans/trainings thinking: This is the chance I’ve been waiting for… I better not blow it!

This open door policy has already seen Robbie Rogers turn his brief spell in Germany into a transfer to Leeds United. Tim Ream’s time with Bolton also looks to have paid dividends, as the Wanderers look set to spend their Gary Cahill money on a transfer for the ginger-tinged Red Bulls defender. George John’s loan terms with West Ham have an option to buy if he manages to impress during his two months at Upton Park, so he could be off too.

They’ve got a name for this type of issue: talent drain. And with MLS seemingly giving its blessing for foreign sides to take a free look at their best players, it comes off as them accepting their place as a stepping stone league. This flies in the face of the Commish has stated on several occasions, which is to turn Major League Soccer into one of the preeminent tournaments in the world.

robbie rogers at leeds united

it seems that robbie roger's short term move to europe this winter has paid off... for now at least.

Now maybe MLS does a much better job reinvesting the millions in transfer money they rake in during these sales than I’m giving them credit for, and if that’s the case, I’ll happily eat my words. But in the mean time, I’m going to assume that it’s still a bit of a risky strategy.

And all of that only takes into account the youngsters. What about all of the veteran, star players tacking two months onto their seasons; how can their departures possibly hurt the league?

First, Klinsmann’s desire to see American players securing loans or training spells in Europe is centered on his belief that the MLS season is too short. That does hold true for many players who teams don’t make the playoffs, or exit them early. Problem is, all of the high-profile loans have involved players whose teams made deep playoff runs. Keane and Donovan were both directly involved in the MLS Cup game winning goal. Hell, Keane hasn’t really had a break from training since the beginning of the last European season when he was still with Spurs. So none of them are in a position where they’re lacking for matches or sharpness, especially when you consider that Donovan and Keane are also still logging serious minutes with their respective national teams.

Ultimately, star players being loaned out during the MLS close season does nothing but put extra miles on their valuable legs. And extra miles on (mostly) older legs usually end up leading to one of three outcomes: 1) increased susceptibility to injuries, 2) burnout or 3) both.

Don’t believe me? It’s already happened, twice.

The gigantic risk MLS exposes itself to is best embodied by David Beckham rupturing his Achilles tendon playing for Milan two winters ago. Beckham’s move was supposed to help him earn a place in the following summer’s England World Cup squad — something MLS considered of great benefit at the time — ended up costing the league dearly when he was forced out of the entire MLS season. Regardless of the size of potential media-exposure gains the league would have received from Beck’s participation in South Africa, it was likely dwarfed by the lack of match-day ticket revenue the league missed out on by not having him play.

For those saying “Well that was over two years ago,” this isn’t something that only occurs in the past. As it turns out, MLS has already suffered one winter-loan casualty so far this season. And ironically, it’s not even one of their big guns that’s gone down injured. Instead, it was L.A. Galaxy’s Omar Gonzalez, a younger player who should have become a regular feature in the USMNT’s back line in 2012. But thanks to a collision with “American” teammate Timmy Chandler during his first training session after signing a 2-month loan with Nuremberg, the MLS Defender of the Year will now be out for at least the next seven months… a.k.a. most of the upcoming MLS season.

an injured beckham on loan to milan

losing beckham for a season apparently hasn't phased MLS at all. but, will lightening strike twice?

And though the loss of Gonzalez won’t really hit MLS in the pocketbook the way Beckham’s absence did, it will undoubtedly be a big hurdle to overcome in the Galaxy’s defense of their crown. But if MLS end up losing Donovan, Henry and/or Keane to injury during their loan spells, it will hurt them both on the field and off.

Let’s assume the trend of taking MLS players on loan continues to grow next season (I’d be willing to wager that it probably will), the amount of risk they’ll expose themselves to each off-season will go up exponentially. I’m not sure how great of a scenario the league could be getting themselves into unless the think about these types of moves in a bigger picture.

Look, these loans and trials are ultimately a good thing if they lead to the development of better American players. I’m all for them leading to more American players playing in more competitive leagues in Europe, and the added benefit we could see from the increased levels of experience. But I want to make sure that such moves aren’t undercutting MLS’s mission and efforts to develop better American players. We need to protect the investments we’ve made so far, and that protection requires a wide variety of issues to consider. Here’s hoping MLS and US Soccer did their homework before allowing this policy to become more common place.

In the mean time, we can’t do anything other than sit back and see how this season’s off-season MLS moves shift out. Obviously, I’m hoping that nothing but great news. Trust me when I say that there is nothing I want less than for me to look back in two months and say “I told you so.”

ten words or less #41

mourinho rides callejon

callejón is content to be josé mourinho's "human segway".

I literally had to flip a coin to decide which picture would end up as the headlining selection for this week’s post. It was a dead heat between the eventual winner entitled José Rides Forward and Beckham Budweiser Ballin’. Each is awesome in their own right for various reasons. But I’m glad Mourinho won out though: just look how intensely he’s riding José Callejón, like an overdressed Portuguese jockey in the Kentucky Derby. The ride also must have proven inspirational for Callejón, as he bagged a brace in the very next game out for the Spaniards.

Picture of the week honors? Fate chose wisely.

Are Spain slipping, or is del Bosque losing the plot? - zonalmarking.net

Dear family members: here’s what I want for Christmas. – soccerbible.com

Marketing gone bad… so bad it could literally hurt. – football-shirts.co.uk

Which unnamed DP will be the recipient of this money? – kckrs.com

So what if it’s Nike’s old commercial in reverse. Brilliant. – grantland.com
(…props to my boy Marc for digging this out)

Marouane Fellaini: The Human Chia Pet. – FHM.com

Anybody else feel like booking a trip to Buenos Aires? - hotelbocajuniors.com

The tactics behind this week’s super entertaining Barça-Milan match. – zonalmarking.net

the many dreams of robbie keane

new l.a. galaxy signing robbie keane

wait, so he's always dreamed of playing for LA? uh... ok.

Growing up on the not-so-mean streets of the Tallaght in South Dublin, a young, bright-eyed Robbie Keane had many dreams.

While just dreaming of becoming a professional footballer would be enough for the average aspiring young player, a boy-aged Keane could scarcely suffice with just dreaming for that alone. Ambition, after all, should never be limited.

You see, the nubile Robbie Keane dreamed of one day plying his trade for not just one club when he grew up. How short sighted. Instead, Robbie dreamed of playing for many illustrious football cubs. But how do I know this when I’ve never interviewed him?

Well, he’s publicly admitted as much… several times.

Crumlin United to Wolverhampton Wanderers (1997)

a young robbie keane signs with wolves

this awkward-looking teen had a mind full of dreams.

“I had expected to be playing in the reserves and, all going well, that I might get a chance in the first team towards the end of the season. But it has all happened much faster than I could ever have thought.” – Robbie Keane

I couldn’t find a damn thing about Keane signing a professional contract with Wolves on the internet, mostly because the web hardly existed then and I don’t feel like paying to read old newspaper archives. So I just posted the earliest quote from the kid I could find. But I’m guessing making the rapid jump from Dublin small-time to the England big-time was dream worthy. (Not such a Source: The Independent – 22 November, 1997)

gordon strachan signs robbie keane at coventry city

keane's purchase by coventry was a dream move for the club at least.

Wolves to Coventry City (1999)

“All being well it will be one of the great signings for Coventry City that has ever taken place.”
-Kevin Richardson

If I became the most expensive teenager in British history, I would certainly be living in a dream scenario. And based on Richardson’s statement above, the then-City chairman clearly thought it was dream-worthy to land the 19-year-old Keano. (Source: The Mirror – 19 August, 2009) Apparently though, they didn’t let teenage signings speak to the press about their arrivals at a new club that time, since no quotes from Keane could be unearthed about his signing. However, he did provide this snippet after scoring two goals on his dream debut:

“With all due respect, I have nothing to prove about my worth to anyone.” – Robbie Keane

It seems that, if nothing else, he was cocky as hell about it. (Source: Sunday Mirror – 18 August, 2009)

Coventry to Internazionale (2000)

“I am absolutely delighted at the prospect of joining a world famous club like Inter.” – Robbie Keane

Despite likely being one of the two biggest clubs he has ever played for, it seems that this wasn’t a club that Keane dreamed of playing for. Instead, he was just “delighted.” This should hardly be surprising though. After all, kids from the British Isles always tend to hate playing on the continent. (Source:The Independent - 30 July, 2000)

leeds united sign robbie keane in 2000

he doesn't look dream-come-true happy.

Inter to Leeds United (2001)

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that Robbie wasn’t dreaming as a child that his eventual move to an Italian giant would end in just 6 months later. A return to Leeds, initially on loan, would save him. And since I can’t find a quote on it, I’m guessing he never dreamed it.

Leeds to Tottenham Hotspur (2002)

“I know I said I didn’t really want to leave Leeds but when I came here to talk to Glenn his long-term plans appealed to me and that is why I am now a Tottenham player.”
- Robbie Keane

Shit… let’s just ignore this one, alright? I mean, it would be my dream move to be signed by Spurs, even if it was in a desperate, cut-rate fire sale to attempt to keep my old club from going under. Sadly, no matter what I say or dream of, that doesn’t change whether or not Robbie dreamed of playing for Spurs. Sigh. (Source: BBC – 31 August, 2002)\

Though to be fair, he probably did dream of moving back to Spurs after his disastrous spell at his next club.

rafa benitez and robbie keane at liverpool

see, now that looks like a dream-come-true happy face.

Tottenham to Liverpool (2008)

“I’m not saying it wouldn’t have happened if I’d come to Anfield then (1997), but I always held out hope that I’d come back and this is a real dream come true for me.” – Robbie Keane

I feel inclined to believe Robbie on this one, as it’s been reported for a long time that he’s been a life-long Scouser supporter. But, I feel fairly safe in assuming that he never dreamed that the experience would effectively be a disastrous, 6-month, £8 million loan. (Source: The Sun – 30 July, 2008)

celtic signing robbie keane

signing at celtic was his father's dream, and apparently the dream of all of those fans being held back by police.

Tottenham to Celtic (2010)

“I always wanted to play for Celtic. I’m happy to be here and I can’t wait to get the jersey on for real.”
- Robbie Keane

So he didn’t exactly say that it was a dream of his to play for Celtic, instead saying that he “always wanted to play” for the Hoops. And I’m confused, because he said when he joined Liverpool that the Mereysiders were the club he supported growing up. Huh. But apparently Robbie Jr. playing for Celtic was his deceased father’s dream, and Harry Redknapp was even quoted as saying, “He’s a big Celtic man, it’s a dream come true for him.” Therefore, I am confident that this was a dream of his, too. (Source: The Sun – 3 February, 2010)

Tottenham to L.A. Galaxy (2011)

“I have always wanted to come and play in MLS so it’s the perfect combination for me and a dream come true.”
- Robbie Keane

Considering that Robbie was 12 when the first MLS match was played in 1993, I’m beginning to suspect that the Irishman has some skills in clairvoyance in addition to his fading footballing ones. I also suspect that he was eager to take a big MLS pay-day for less work than is required at a Premier League club, assuming there were even offers from England’s top flight. (Source: Irish Times – 16 August, 2011)

———————————————————

I don’t have any proof, but I have to imagine that Keane’s boyhood moto went something like, “I want nothing more than to be an extremely expensive journeyman striker.” And, to give credit where credit is due, he’s done just that.

Dream on, Mr. Keane: who knows to what heights they’ll take you next. China? Malaysia? Maybe even Ireland…

panic attack

I’m not having a panic attack. I swear… I think. Maybe I am having one. Well, wait… no I’m probably not having a panic attack.

luka modric during tottenham preseason training in south africa

apparently the saga over this man's signature has distracted levy and redknapp from getting any transfer work done this summer.

But with just a few days remaining until the Spurs’ delayed official start to the Premier League’s 2011-2012 season, Tottenham chairman Daniel Levy is officially making me lose sleep.

I know that last season was a bit of a mixed bag for Spurs and their fans. We were all enthralled by our magical European adventure, but also all rightly disappointed that the team couldn’t consistently put in the type of domestic performances that were earning them worthy praise on the continent.

As this post clearly points out, Tottenham were a team that could hang with the big boys. But on the flip side of the coin, they were decidedly average against team’s they should have been beating. The rigors of the Premier League, regardless of the competition faced each weekend, were too much to heap on players who were already being asked to carry heavy Champions League loads.

One thing that is certain is that the lack of activity in the January transfer window played a decently-sized part in the club’s eventual shortcomings.

The squad clearly needed reinforcements (in particular at the front end of the pitch) to continue battling on multiple fronts, and yet the only area they reinforced was the one area of the pitch that didn’t need that much help (although, a midfielder like Pienaar was a deal at the price we landed him for). Long story short, thin as the squad was, it couldn’t cope with a multi-competition battle.

So when Tottenham relinquished their short hold on a top four position back in the spring, both Levy and Redknapp admitted that big signings would be necessary to get the club back on track with their grand aspirations.

tottenham's brad friedel and michael dawson

friedel should help lift tottenham's defensive acumen, but he's not the impact signing that we had all hoped for.

Initially, long-term “dream” targets came back to the forefront. Forlán, Falcao, and Rossi were all floated in the deep pool of summer transfer rumors. But for various reasons (too old, too expensive, and too not for sale) none were realistic solutions to the Spurs’ striking woes. It appeared that Tottenham would either have to pony up and spend like the club has a super-rich foreign owner, or unearth a diamond in the rough.

Fellow Ohioan Brad Friedel was the first signing of the window, and though he was also a bargain-buy that addressed a weak spot in the team, his arrival was hardly the “big time” signing that we all wanted and the team needed.

But I remained optimistic; perhaps Friedel’s signing was the beginning of a torrid of transfer activity at White Hart Lane. After all, we don’t just need to buy at Tottenham: we also need to trim. With one of the largest squads in the Premier League last season, Levy remained (rightly) insistent that arrivals at the club would necessitate cash from sales.

Yet Friedel, to this point, remains the only transfer dealing of this extremely crucial off-season. One free signing, and only two paltry sums coming in after the Lillywhites finally disposed of serial-loanees Jamie O’Hara (to Wolves for £3.5m) and Robbie Keane (to LA Galaxy for £3m)… nothing official about Jenas, Hutton, Dos Santos, Bassong and Palacios being sold off to raise the all important cash.

So while Tottenham Hotspur seem to be twiddling their thumbs, all of their direct competitors have been busy strengthening their squads.

kun aguero at manchester city

though they bid for him in january, spurs never had a realistic shot of landing kun.

Manchester City, the club that’s recently been Tottenham’s biggest rival (as far as league places are concerned) over the last few years, have continued to spend astronomical sums on players they may (Stefan Savić) or may not (Clichy) need (Agüero could be unneeded if Tévez doesn’t leave). Sadly, additional devastating signings this window seem imminent. If they’re not competing for silverware on all fronts this season with the talent in that squad, then Mancini will have proven himself a moron of a manager.

Liverpool, the club that Tottenham displaced in the Champions League last season, look to have finally gotten back on track with new owner John Henry and new (and old) manager Kenny Dalglish aiming to return to their rightful place as an English power. The signings of Stewart Downing, Jordan Henderson, and José Enrique on top of the January signings of Suarez and Carroll, mean that the Reds have dropped a reported £94 million on getting themselves back in the top four.

Manchester United, the club that doesn’t ever have a down year, also look primed to continue their run of dominance over English football after finally dolling out a big chunk of the Ronaldo-sale money. Ashley Young, David de Gea and Phil Jones have arrived on the back of £50 million, plus there is emergence of Tom Cleverly and the possible arrival of Wesley Sneijder from Inter to further bolster their ranks. When Sir Alex said Tottenham could compete for the title this season, he must have forgotten that his team were competing in England this season.

Then there’s Chelsea, the club that’s played the part of Luka Modrić-stalker all summer long. To be honest, they’ve not spent much on players so far this summer (Lukaku and Romelu)… most of their outbound cash was to pry away Mourinho-lite Andre Villas-Boas from Porto as their new temporary manager. Their lack of player spending has definitely been surprising, as the club’s senior citizen squad looked in the most need of reinforcements. However, I fret that they might not quite be finished for understandable reasons.

And then there’s our North London rivals, Arsenal, the club that… well, thank god at least one of our rivals is looking to be in worse shape than us. Serves them right, that scum.

I sit and watch world-class players arriving at those clubs, and I think to myself: “Those are the types of players we need.” But then I remember, the reality of it is, we can’t afford those players.

Stuck in an undersized stadium that’s unable to generate the necessary revenues to truly invest in a squad, Harry and Daniel have openly admitted that we can’t compete with the big boys when it comes to wages and transfer funds. So, now we’re having to make do with less ambitious targets.

fc twente's bryan ruiz

ruiz would be an ideal, (relatively) cheap signing for tottenham. but is there enough time to pull it off?

Blackburn sweeper/striker Chris Samba‘s name keeps coming up, though improving the back four isn’t and shouldn’t be near the top of the club’s priority list. There have been links to another central midfielder in Real Madrid’s Lassana Diarra, which would make some sense if Palacios leaves. I’d love to see Twente’s Costa Rican striker/shampoo-commercial model Bryan Ruiz get bought, but with so little time left in the window, a deal like that would be tough. Maybe a loan move for everyone’s favorite mercenary, Emmanuel Adebayor, seems the most likely, but do we really want a player that nobody else wants?

And that’s not even touching on the possibility of Modrić leaving and how that could blow everything to hell. Levy seems to have the kid in a vice grip at the moment, but who knows what Chelsea’s millions could persuade the chairmen to do.

Look, my club’s biggest adversaries have spent over a combined £185 million pounds to solidify and/or improve their places in the league. Tottenham have spent zero. Everyone knew that Spurs needed to improve if they wanted to achieve their dream of becoming one of the big boys, and yet the club has done practically nothing to this point to show any of that necessary transfer ambition.

Sure, Harry Houdini could have another late-breaking, wheeling-and-dealing transfer that he’ll pull out of his sleeve like he did with van der Vaart. Maybe he’ll deliver the striker we so desperately need at 11:59pm on August 30th. But if he’ goes that long without a signing, I’d be more willing to bet that it will be another midfielder than a striker… ‘Arry seems to love those center of the park ballers.

And if that’s the case, someone call me a doctor… I’m going to need a prescription for Xanax that will last much longer than just through the remainder of this transfer window.

man whore all-stars

Even though I’m still knee-deep into a very drawn out series of posts to select my very own wrong side XI, I feel I have to name another very important all-star squad from the world of football.

ryan giggs on the cover of the sunday herald

maybe giggs will learn that in the age of the internet, nothing is secret.

With the near constant stream of super injunctions and confirmed tabloid stories about footballers having affairs and shagging ladies of the night, it’s only right that we give these men of such “quality” morals the credit they truly deserve… a man whore XI if you will.

Now in the spirit of fairness, I do want to make sure that I’m not unfairly labeling anyone as a cheater. And since it can also be hard to confirm who has actually committed such sinfulness, we’re also going to include players who are known for the playboy lifestyles.

So without further adieu, let’s get on to the dirtiest team in football:

Goalkeeper – Allan McGregor (Rangers)
Apparently the most faithful position on the pitch, I had to dig hard to find a current goalkeeper that plays the field… figuratively of course. After an hour of searching, I almost settled on this half-story from the South African second division. Luckily, a little extra dilligence yielded McGregor’s indiscretions. The most famous of those saw the Scotland keeper dating a series of young ladies, this despite the fact he had a live in girlfiend at the time. He later cheated on his mobster-linked ex-fiancée with that same live in girlfriend.

Left Back – Ashley Cole (Chelsea)
When not shooting club staff members, Ca$hley likes to spend the remainder of his free time either sexting pictures of his junk to American women or shagging with ladies of varying attractiveness. Apparently this became such a frequent issue that his supremely hot (yet infinitely annoying) wife decided to call off their marriage by text message. If he keeps this kind of behavior up, Cole could quite possibly be the most lonely man on the planet.

Center Back – John Terry (Chelsea)
Probably the worst teammate and friend you could possibly have in a squad, unless it’s this squad I suppose. It is never advisable to leave one’s WAG/daughter/mom around Mr. Chelsea. Just ask Wayne Bridge. And I don’t care that The News of the World have since said that the rumors were untrue. Something obviously happened because Bridge still refuses to play with his former best friend. Your 2009 Dad of the Year!

Right Back – Alon Harazi (retired)
I couldn’t find any mention of any other right backs involved in sex scandals, so we’ll have to turn our attention to the recently retired Israel defender. Hazari, who made over 600 apperances for Maccabi Haifa, was one of the contingent of Israeli players that had an all-night sex party full of prostitutes and alcohol prior to the country’s biggest ever match. Despite losing 0-5 to the Danes in the first leg of the Euro 2000 qualifier, Harazi and his teammates repeated the incident in denmark and lost 0-3. Didn’t exactly learn their lessons, did they?

cristiano ronaldo with a lovely lady

ronaldo may be a womanizer, but at least he never marries them.

Left Midfield – Cristiano Ronaldo (Real Madrid)
While Ronnie has a “long-term” girlfriend at the moment, and there haven’t been any rumors of infidelity in the relationship, the oily-skinned icon makes this team more for the ridiculous list of tramps/supermodels that he’s managed to bed over the last few years. Entire websites are devoted to cataloging his sexual conquests, which includes rumored hook-ups with American media whores celebrities like Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian. And when you have to pay-off an American waitress in South Beach to take the love-child you created with her, you probably know you probably deserve your spot here.

Center Midfield – Ryan Giggs (Manchester United)
The man whose name we should not say is a late and surprising addition to the squad. Long revered as a model professional, the old Welsh wizard was tricking us all after it was revealed that he was a cheating bastard. And now rumors are spurting out that Giggsy has spent the last 8 years having occasional frolics with his brother’s wife. With all of the stress of sneaking around, it’s no wonder that we’re seeing his hair quickly turn grey. I’ll now spare you some poor viagra jokes.

Offensive Midfield – David Beckham (L.A. Galaxy)
A serial offender deserves to be on this list, even if some of that series are only claims. The world’s most popular footballer certainly has no shortage of admirers, though he has an inkling for the help apparently. Either way, i can empathize with Becks though: I wouldn’t want to have sex with a crazed, plastic Barbie doll like Posh either.

Defensive Midfield – Paul Terry (Darlington)
The older brother to the captain of England, it seems as if adultery runs in the blood of the Terry family. Though Paul has never been able to reach the playing heights of his younger sibling, he has had just as much success in destroying people’s lives. Back in 2010, Paul managed to carry on affair with the fiancée of his Rusheden & Diamonds teammate Dale Roberts, despite already being married to Paul Konchesky’s sister. Roberts was so troubled by the betrayal of his teammate that he soon committed suicide. Those Terry boys are just stand-up individuals, aren’t they?

Right Midfield – Frank Ribery (Bayern Munich)
All the money in the world sometimes isn’t enough to find yourself a quality WAG, as the unfriendly-on-the-eye yet tremendously talented Ribery knows all too well. Maybe that’s the reason Frank felt it necessary to fly in the forbidden fruit of an underage prostitute from Paris in 2010. The then 17-year-old Zahia Dehar is also rumored to have, ahem, worked with other French internationals such as Karim Benzema and Sidney Govou… so he’s not alone in his desires at least.

Forward – Wayne Rooney (Manchester United)
While by no means saying he was right to sleep with an insanely pricey hooker, or a cheaper but older one for that matter, I can sort of see why Wazza might be prone to infidelity. He’s married to the same girl he’s been dating since he was a schoolboy, and it’s hardly imaginable that a young egotistic star on the rise could resist the lure of reaping the rewards of his talents. He probably felt a need to soil his wild oats. However, why he didn’t just head to the club to pick up some young pretty thing instead of paying for an overpriced romp in the sheets is simply beyond me.

peter crouch and abbey clancy

can someone please explain to me how crouch cheated on clancey?

Forward – Peter Crouch (Tottenham Hotspur)
Someone needs to pull Pete aside and have him look in a mirror: there’s no way he won’t recognize while staring back at his pasty, gangly reflection that he is not that attractive of a man. That same person should then show him a picture of his fiancée: there’s no way he won’t recognize that she is smoking hot and that he should have no business marrying a woman so attractive. Then that person should tell him that spending thousands of quid for expensive prostitutes is a giant waste of the very money that has allowed him to bag a girl as hot as Abbey Clancy.

Manager – Sven-Goran Eriksson
Even the managers can use their fame and fortunes to feed their sexual appetites! The former manager of every team ever has twice been caught being unfaithful to his wife. The first time was with a decently attractive Swedish TV commentator, the second with an English FA secretary. He apparently also heavily influenced his successor, as Steve McClaren must have felt the need to live up to the bar set by Sven.

Also, I would rue the opportunity if I didn’t give a nod to these other legends of the game with an additction to the nookie:

  • George Best: The England legend is the original football playboy, famously once saying, “I used to go missing a lot… Miss Canada, Miss United Kingdom, Miss World.” baller.
  • Garrincha: The former samba star is the Wilt Chamberlain of world football, having a confirmed 14 children and the possibility of another twenty-freaking-four around the world. Dads fret not, your daughters are safe: Garrincha passed away in 1983.
  • Jean-François Larios: The former French international famously had a fling with the wife of current-UEFA president Michel Platini in the lead up to the 1982 World Cup. I actually like him a little bit for it.
  • Ronaldo: Il Fenomeno tagged bunches of ladies in his time, and possibly even some transvestites.
  • John Harkes: The American version of Larios, Johnny boy was dismissed from the USMNT shortly before the 1998 World Cup for having a quickie with teammate Eric Wynalda’s wife instead of attending a team meeting.

Now before any of you readers jump all over my back for glorifying assholes that treat women like the property, I don’t condone the behavior of any of the men listed above… unless they’re single. If that’s the case, my advice to those boys is: get it out of your systems before you decide to settle down. No one really needs a super injunction, right?

who’s wearing the pants in this relationship?

“The MLS”, as it is known in Europe, is kind of a big deal these days.

The league actually gets TV revenue now, as opposed to the opening years when they had to pay to get their games on the tube. There are clubs that are actually turning profits, a welcomed and hoped for goal by a league that’s long been in the red. It’s average attendances are up. The play on the pitch has improved despite increasing the size of the league. There are real rivalries now. Big-time designated players are still making an impact on and off the pitch without bankrupting the league like it’s predecessor, the NASL.

david beckham of the l.a. galaxy

so you want me to take my MLS gig more seriously? ok, i'll get to that that right after i get back from my next trip to england.

I love going to games, though I must admit that I’ve always loved going to professional games. But still, it’s great to have a place to go with friends to grab a beer and watch some quality football live and in person. Well, at least that’s been the case since the park rangers at the local invitational tournament told me that I can’t drink while watching the youth teams play anymore. Apparently parents don’t like their kids to be “heckled by drunken idiots”… whatever.

But since I’ve started going to MLS games again with greater frequency, the growing passion that I’ve seen in person at the park tells me that the young league is finally starting to develop into a worthwhile and entertaining product. It’s one of the reasons I’ve been making the effort to pay more attention to the domestic league in this country.

But as has been well reported, there still a large contingent of American soccer fans that don’t follow MLS. And for the most part, I’m guilty of being one of this much derided yet extremely coveted segment of the league’s target market. MLS diehards say we’re snooty eurosnobs, yet the league really wants us to watch because they don’t need to convince us to like soccer in the first place.

To be fair, Eurosnobs always have had a series similar, yet legitimate, gripes about the American league: the play isn’t that good (when compared to Europe), there are no intense rivalries, the league isn’t making money, no one goes to the games, the live atmosphere sucks, etc. But like I mentioned above, most of those things are on the mend or have been rectified.

So by that logic, one could expect there to be hoards of former Eurosnobs watching MLS in droves now, right?

Well, no.

But for those of us that who are actually trying to be converted to MLS followers, we have recently been given ample ammunition to go back to join our old ranks.

david and victoria beckham at the royal wedding.

becks looked dapper at an event it made sense for him to attend.

I’m not sure if you remember or not, but a few weeks ago the entire Western media industry was completely enamored with the royal wedding. And due to it, MLS was making minor, related headlines because the league’s marquee player would be in attendance. Much furor was raised because he would be missing training ahead of an important clash with the trailing F.C. Dallas and wouldn’t be rejoining his teammates until the day of the match in Dallas, and for his grave sin of wearing his “order of the british empire” medal on the wrong lapel.

“How dare David skip Galaxy training to attend a wedding!?!?”, many asked with such spite that I often wasn’t sure if they thought Becks had committed a triple homicide or if he was just skipping a few practices.

But if you’re asking me (and you are, because you’re reading my blog), I didn’t think it was that big of a deal.

As has been well noted, Beckham is one of those rare athletes who’s transcended sport (much like Jordan, Muhammed ali, Pele, and Lance Armstrong). He’s a cultural icon, a celebrity, and a humanitarian. These characteristics all make for Dave being an ambassador of the British nation… in fact, I’m pretty sure there are a large number of people around the world who solely identify being British to being David Beckham.

All of this considered, I can find plenty of reason for Beckham needing to be at the royal wedding. Him not being there would have been more of a minor black eye for the British crown. If he hadn’t been, you can easily imagine the press claiming the royal wedding “wasn’t big enough for Becks.”

After all, it was just a practice that was skipped. I’m sure Allen Iverson feels me.

So if I’m not upset about that, why bring it up?

While I can certainly justify Beckham needing to jet across the pond and skip a practice for a royal wedding, I have absolutely no tolerance for him missing a game for anything less than a state affair back home.

And guess what: that’s happening now.

You see, David’s dear friend (and gigantic asshole) Gary Neville decided to retire from Manchester United this season after a long and illustrious career. And as is often the case in England, departing players are often celebrated with a final friendly, testimonial match where that player will get to play with all of his old friends/teammates one last time. Gary’s is against Juventus tomorrow, and David has indicated that he will be playing.

But what did that linked story forget to mention? In order to attend, Beckham will be mising the Galaxy’s game against the Houston Dynamo on Wednesday.

So yeah, David beckham — the face of our freaking league — is skipping a real-life, regular season MLS match that counts for something, so he can go play in game for a team that he isn’t paid vast sums of money by that has absolutely no bearing on any real-life competition.

Galaxy manager and monotone muppet Bruce Arena offered this gem to justify Becks skipping:

“[We} were planning to rest Beckham in the Houston match regardless of this request as [he] picked up a thigh injury in the victory over Sporting K.C. last week.”

beckham playing for a.c. milan

beckham respects MLS so much that he chose to play for milan for a while instead.

Uh, yeah. So you’re allowing your most valuable asset to skip your game to play in a exhibition match when he is hurt. Tell me this isn’t a giant WTF-thought.

So the decision to allow Beckham to skip a game for a non-essential event is the reason I’m all wound up right now. Clearly, the league is allowing David to wear the pants in their relationship, telling them when he thinks playing for the team that pays his salary is important enough.

Would Fulham be okay if Clint Dempsey had told them this season that he would be missing a Premier League match so he could go back to Boston for a testimonial for Taylor Twellman? No, they wouldn’t. And they would laugh at him for asking.

I know that MLS think they need Beckham and his marketing outreach, and they probably do to an extent. But as it showed when Beckham was busy putting himself ahead of the league before while skipping chunks of seasons to play for A.C. Milan on loan, they can get by just fine without him. He is not bigger than this league, and MLS needs to put it’s foot down when it comes to allowing Beckham to think he is.

If Don Garber and company want to really convince the Eurosnob set to respect and watch their league, they need to make sure the “elite” players that they use to bait us in respect the league too.

ten words or less #18

now that ireland is at another new club, it was about time for him to bash his previous employers.

With the visual overhaul of the blog still ongoing, not to mention the need to continue to write for it too, I realized this morning that I reallly need to post this TWOL before the majority of these stories become outdated. If you happened to have read any of the following links already, just be sure to remember that you are not required to read them again.

A short history about baaallllllllllllsssss. – soccernet.com

Life lesson: don’t release owls during a match. – thespoiler.co.uk

I’ve never been, and never will be, this good. – youtube.com

Does anyone feel the excitement?!?!?! – soccerbyives.com

Great… a sound argument defending Allardyce-style tactics. – si.com

This is believable. – bbc.co.uk

The crazy free kick bar has been raised. – caughtoffside.com

Stephen Ireland wants to piss off everyone. – football365.com

all the money in the world, but what to spend it on

despite the claims of many, and even myself from time to time,  spurs are not yet a “big club.” as difficult of a statement as that is to admit, it’s unfortunately not that hard of a statement to back up.

one big signing does not make a big club. not even super super vdV.

sure, they’re sitting in 4th in the table at the halfway line, a position many thought would be too difficult to reach again. and yes, i’m fully aware that the lillywhites not only qualified for the knockout rounds of the champions league, but also won the group ahead of holders inter. yes, van der vaart has been the signing of the season so far in the premier league. and so what if gareth bale is the man i would be most inclined to sleep with most in-form player on the planet.

they’re all great things that define big clubs, ones that i surely point out to my friends more than is necessary, but none of those things really matter. not yet anyway.

what truly makes a “big club,” is a clubs ability to do all of those things on a sustained basis. the real madrids, chelseas and bayern munichs of this world are considered the big boys because they are always considered to be (at least one of) the favorites in every competition they enter. consistently finishing in the lofty table positions, regularly doing well in europe, habitually bagging big time players, and keeping the best ones you already have… that’s what puts them ahead of the eternal door-knockers like tottenham, sevilla, roma and aston villa.

tottenham’s rise to prominence this season and last has, no doubt, been meteoric. but just like a meteor, this run has been very brief. (admittedly, if you’ve been following the premier league for a decent amount of time, you know this isn’t exactly true. spurs have been actively chasing this elusive position for quite some time… way back in time, since the martin jol days of 2005.)

also, tottenham haven’t exactly been major players in the transfer market, at least not how i would hope. until very recently, they were only major players as a selling club. though i have to admit that the tidy sums we acquired in exchange for berbatov (sad to see him go) and carrick (glad to see him go) have been put to good use in building the current successful squad. the yids never threw money around like mad men; just small, sensible purchases. you can only be a big club if you’re paying out 30 million quid per player… right man city?!

so you can imagine how hard my jaw hit the table when i read that harry redknapp has been given the keys to the white hart lane safe this january. someone check and see if that’s the real daniel levy making all of these insane statements.

they’re kinda consistently performing well at this point, and now we’re supposedly able to spend like the big boys?! maybe if they make an intelligent purchase (meaning a world class striker or right back), tottenham hotspur could really be on their way to being a true elite level team! this is awesome! we will be legitimate title contenders! we’re going to win everythingcome on you spurs!!!

wait… oh crap…

who are they going to buy?

…..

the only prominent name on the market was edin džeko, but citeh are looking to inflate the market a bit again by overpaying wolfsburg for him. and thus, every other decent option’s price just went up a bit. a less fashionable idea would be to make a move for the unsettled adebayor, but signing two ex-gunners in a season seems sinful. macheda won’t getting the starting time that sir alex is demanding for him. madrid misfit karim benzema, perhaps? too expensive and possibly overrated. renewed bids for luis fabiano maybe?  i don’t know. and quality right back options include: wayne bridge (meh), jonathan spector (blah), or perhaps maicon (comical).

as for the the two moves that have been touted the most in the lead up to january, for everton’s steven pienaar and l.a. galaxy’s david beckham… i’m actually ok with those despite the fact we don’t really need any more midfielders.

the picture everyone's using even looks a bit like a spurs kit.

beckham makes sense for a few reasons. first, he’ll make a great 60th minute sub, coming on for a gassed lennon and slinging in at least five more quality services than lennon did in twice the time. put in crouch and let becks serve him up. secondly, his experience in the champions league could be vital for a team that’s short on experience at that level. young players will learn from him.

the move for pienaar should hinge on whether or not they get beckham. if they land the pretty boy, they will need to nix this move. either way, the south african would definitely be a versatile addition to the club’s increasingly overloaded array of midfielders. he could easily push lennon for a starting role on the right flank, perhaps causing both of them to raise their games. he could be used on the left should bale ever lose his invincibility cloak. and he’s shown he can play centrally, assuming modrić, jenas, palacios, sandro and huddlestone are all hurt.

looking at it again though, beckham is a short term gamble and fixes nothing in the long run. and the guy is old as hell, with even older legs. spurs currently hold the unofficial title of the flashiest, fastest side in the premier league with bale and lennon on the wings. would beckham be able to keep up, screwing up the team’s mojo on the pitch?

and while pienaar is a sensible buy for the supposed price (£2 million), do spurs really need another midfielder? will either player really make that big of a difference? and odds are the normal january price inflations means that tottenham really can’t afford to buy the types of players that would truly make an impact.

it’s a sellers market, right when tottenham are finally ready — and able — to make a splash.