Trust me when I say that I know that I’m hardly the world’s most PC football blogger. I know that I occasionally use offensive language to convey my points, but my hope is that my readers get that I’m not really a prejudiced/racist/offensive person… I’m just using slang as an to attempt to drive home my points and make the reading a bit more entertaining. So please don’t get offended with what I’m about to say…

Carlos Tévez might be retarded.

What? Do you have a better explanation for everything going on with the Argentine at the Eastlands Etihad?

I’ll admit that I’ve been giving Carlos the benefit of the doubt for a while. Regardless of the quasi-understandable excuses he provided for his behavior — not being able to adjust to life in England, trouble on the home front, he’s not being respected by his club, etc. — you could forgive his tirades as his regular goals and effort on the pitch made your side much better on the whole. So much did his on field exploits influence my opinion, I was even beginning to feel some sympathy for the guy.

But after the latest melee with Mancini in Munich, I’m starting to question Tévez’s mental capacity. The constant stream of blame shifting pouring from his mouth has become so regular, I suspect even he doesn’t know what he’s saying anymore.

Let’s take a quick look at the “Tévez Timeline” that I created below to try to catalog some of this madness:

Noting that the above lacks the incident in which he controversially called Gary Neville the heinous name of “boot licker”, it’s clear that many of the decisions made by Crazy Carlos are not those of a sane mind. Collectively, they appear to point to a man who is mentally unstable.

The tryst on the Bayern sidelines has predictably resulted in the press, club management and both neutral and rabid fans alike all calling for Tévez’s head on a plate. How dare a player who is paid so much tell his manager no in such dire circumstances? And they’re right, as not many of us could speak to our bosses that way and expect to be able to talk about at the water cooler next week.

But thanks to such a polarizing choice of action, for the first time in ages it seems that the majority of public opinion is on the same side of an issue as Manchester City… something I couldn’t have ever predicted six months ago.

Tévez’s refual to play in the Champions League has been labeled the prime example of how players now garner too much power in today’s game. It’s players like Crazy Carlos that are to blame for the lack of loyalty in the sport, the undermining of managerial power within squads, super-high salaries, and Qatar bribing their way to a winning World Cup bid. “That’s why City should make an example of him,” they say.

And to some degrees they’re correct. But just as I’m about to light my torch and gather my pitchfork to go join the masses in marching Tévez to the gallows, I remember my offensive remark from earlier: Carlos Tévez might be retarded.

How is it possible that a guy like Carlos freaking Tévez would be able to game the clubs so effectively? The guy can barely speak to the press without contradicting himself every other sentence; I hardly think that he’d be able to intentionally cause a constant flow of drama and rubbish excuses to always better his situation. After all, these guys that own influential clubs are fairly intelligent men: otherwise they wouldn’t be able to afford buying a club in the first place, right?

You see, Tévez isn’t the only idiot in town. All of us — the writers, the fans, the managers and the clubs — should be categorized as retarded, too.

While we all point fingers at a spoiled, hapless, scarred Argentine boy who just so happens to have made himself fabulously rich by being amazingly skilled at the sport of soccer… someone behind the scenes is pulling all of the strings and making even more money than Tévez could fathom.

Men like Kia Joorabchian lurk in the shadows, whispering in the ears of the players, telling them the clubs don’t treat them fairly and saying that they deserve more. Kia would be content for City to hold on to him, as he’ll still get his cut of the weekly salary even if Carlos is suspended and kept away from the training ground. And he could give a damn if the forward is sacked by City. In fact this scenario would be of of even great benefit to Kia, as   “advising” the club to either sell or sack Tévez will result in him netting even more cash when the inevitable deal with a new club is struck.

We just end up ignoring all of that because we’re too busy focusing on the spotlight that Kia has pointed at Tévez. The Argentinian, never the sharpest in the bunch, was nothing more than a puppet to distract us from the backroom deals that Joorabchian is wrangling. A lucrative move to a Inter was floated at the end of the transfer window, and it wouldn’t be outlandish to think the Kia and Moratti are already hammering out the provisions of a “rescue” offer for Tévez.

If that all seems a little far fetched for you, consider Corinthian’s failed bid for Tévez over the summer.

Even for a former fan favorite, a €40 million bid from the Brazilian side seemed a bit incomprehensible. While the Brazilian economy is on the rise and the country is making great strides forward, that kind of investment seemed a bit risky considering the Brazilian league system isn’t exactly rife with clubs turning profits. But then I remembered that Corinithians is partly “owned” by sports venture capitalist group MSI, which is in turn headed by none other than Kia Joorabchian. Yeah.

So when you hear that City pulled out of the deal because they wanted all of the transfer fee up front, a more clear picture starts to take shape. Joorabchian’s MSI would have been the one’s paying the transfer fee, and they didn’t want to fork out all of that money up front for a player the group is already making money from in the first place. Meanwhile, they’ve allowed the failed transfer to set a market price for Tévez’s services, and then set Crazy Carlos loose to squawk and throw hissy fits while they find a more suitable way to maximize their profits through another deal.

Brilliant, if manipulative, work if I do say so myself. They’ve made us all look like fools by shifting the blame for Carlos’ issues away from the root source (themselves) to the player, all while they plan their next scheme in the background. Blinded by our anger for such disrespectful behavior by, we’re oblivious to the trick being played on us.

While we yell at the idiot, the real shakers and movers are laughing all of the way to the bank.