wazza’s worth

Machester United's Wayne Rooney
rooney is rumored to have 300,000 reasons to celebrate this transfer window.

Even though today is Transfer Deadline Day — a day where million dollar players will be tossed around like singles at a billionaires’ strip club — I can’t stop thinking about a whispers of a player staying at his current club instead of being shipped off to a new one.

That is if the rumor mill is to be believed, anyway.

Despite having twice put in a transfer request and having been linked to wildly rich Manchester City, Real Madrid and PSG, the long-running speculation that Manchester United’s Wayne Rooney would be leaving is finally being put to bed as the England striker is reportedly to be handed a whopping £300,000 per week contract to stay at Old Trafford.

Sure that number is little more than speculation, but it’s still large enough to drop a jaw or twenty. And to help sweeten the deal, word is United will also toss in the captain’s armband and promised to keep Rooney advised of all transfer dealings, too. But much like the wage figure, that is yet to be confirmed.

But for whatever reason, I just can’t stop thinking about that ludicrous weekly paycheck offer. For those not familiar with current exchange rates — I only know because I’ve been looking at exchange rates thanks to all the mooted moves over the last month — £300,000 translates to just shy of a half million dollars per week, pre tax of course. Or $497,160 per week to be more specific.

That’s just a hair short of a million dollars every two weeks, and nearly $4 million a month. And to be completely clear, that number is precisely insane.

But while talking pounds and dollars and euros is all good and fine, to really put the scale of Rooney’s purported wages I decided to make a list of things you could buy with the £300,000 that United will dole out EVERY SINGLE WEEK to keep Wazza in red:

Rich Ass Wayne Rooney at the ATM
wayne doesn’t want anyone to see his passcode as he’s pulling out stacks on stacks on stacks from the ATM.
  • This luxurious, all-inclusive Super Bowl XLVIII package that includes a “private jet, celebrity chef and sexy flight attendants dressed as cheerleaders”.
  • A pair of the still yet-to-be-released Martin Jetpacks… assuming you can get FAA approval.
  • One panel of replacement glass for Apple’s iconic 5th Avenue ‘Cube’ store, which saw one of its 15 panels shattered last week by an accidental snowblower collision.
  • Almost a winning bid for two parking spots in the Back Bay neighborhood of Boston.
  • A 500 square foot apartment in lower Manhattan… or a 2000 square foot apartment in downtown Cincinnati.
  • President Obama’s college and passport documentation… at least that’s how much Donald Trump is willing to pay for them.
  • Potentially the start-up franchise fee for a USLPRO side.
  • A flyover by four Navy F-18’s fighter jets.
  • The stylish 2013 Rolls-Royce Phantom.
  • A single tunnel built between China and Hong Kong to smuggle drugs.
  • Or — something Rooney might actually prefer — 250 nights with high-end escort Jennifer Thompson.

So as you can see, £300k can get you quite a haul of awesomeness. But remember that United will reportedly be doing that fifty-two times a year.

Is Wayne worth that on the pitch? Maybe, maybe not. United are turning profits every year, after all. It’s not like Glazers and company would offer that ridiculous of a wage packet if they didn’t think he was worth that kind of hefty investment. He’ll probably make the money back for them in kit sales alone, so it might end up being smart business after all.

Unfortunately, unlike today’s deadline day dealing, this isn’t a story we’ll know the truth about any time soon if Rooney’s. Unless of course they sell him to one of their fabulously rich rivals — and then he’ll probably end up making double that and I can make a whole new list.

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