man whore all-stars

Even though I’m still knee-deep into a very drawn out series of posts to select my very own wrong side XI, I feel I have to name another very important all-star squad from the world of football.

ryan giggs on the cover of the sunday herald
maybe giggs will learn that in the age of the internet, nothing is secret.

With the near constant stream of super injunctions and confirmed tabloid stories about footballers having affairs and shagging ladies of the night, it’s only right that we give these men of such “quality” morals the credit they truly deserve… a man whore XI if you will.

Now in the spirit of fairness, I do want to make sure that I’m not unfairly labeling anyone as a cheater. And since it can also be hard to confirm who has actually committed such sinfulness, we’re also going to include players who are known for the playboy lifestyles.

So without further adieu, let’s get on to the dirtiest team in football:

Goalkeeper – Allan McGregor (Rangers)
Apparently the most faithful position on the pitch, I had to dig hard to find a current goalkeeper that plays the field… figuratively of course. After an hour of searching, I almost settled on this half-story from the South African second division. Luckily, a little extra dilligence yielded McGregor’s indiscretions. The most famous of those saw the Scotland keeper dating a series of young ladies, this despite the fact he had a live in girlfiend at the time. He later cheated on his mobster-linked ex-fiancée with that same live in girlfriend.

Left Back – Ashley Cole (Chelsea)
When not shooting club staff members, Ca$hley likes to spend the remainder of his free time either sexting pictures of his junk to American women or shagging with ladies of varying attractiveness. Apparently this became such a frequent issue that his supremely hot (yet infinitely annoying) wife decided to call off their marriage by text message. If he keeps this kind of behavior up, Cole could quite possibly be the most lonely man on the planet.

Center Back – John Terry (Chelsea)
Probably the worst teammate and friend you could possibly have in a squad, unless it’s this squad I suppose. It is never advisable to leave one’s WAG/daughter/mom around Mr. Chelsea. Just ask Wayne Bridge. And I don’t care that The News of the World have since said that the rumors were untrue. Something obviously happened because Bridge still refuses to play with his former best friend. Your 2009 Dad of the Year!

Right Back – Alon Harazi (retired)
I couldn’t find any mention of any other right backs involved in sex scandals, so we’ll have to turn our attention to the recently retired Israel defender. Hazari, who made over 600 apperances for Maccabi Haifa, was one of the contingent of Israeli players that had an all-night sex party full of prostitutes and alcohol prior to the country’s biggest ever match. Despite losing 0-5 to the Danes in the first leg of the Euro 2000 qualifier, Harazi and his teammates repeated the incident in denmark and lost 0-3. Didn’t exactly learn their lessons, did they?

cristiano ronaldo with a lovely lady
ronaldo may be a womanizer, but at least he never marries them.

Left Midfield – Cristiano Ronaldo (Real Madrid)
While Ronnie has a “long-term” girlfriend at the moment, and there haven’t been any rumors of infidelity in the relationship, the oily-skinned icon makes this team more for the ridiculous list of tramps/supermodels that he’s managed to bed over the last few years. Entire websites are devoted to cataloging his sexual conquests, which includes rumored hook-ups with American media whores celebrities like Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian. And when you have to pay-off an American waitress in South Beach to take the love-child you created with her, you probably know you probably deserve your spot here.

Center Midfield – Ryan Giggs (Manchester United)
The man whose name we should not say is a late and surprising addition to the squad. Long revered as a model professional, the old Welsh wizard was tricking us all after it was revealed that he was a cheating bastard. And now rumors are spurting out that Giggsy has spent the last 8 years having occasional frolics with his brother’s wife. With all of the stress of sneaking around, it’s no wonder that we’re seeing his hair quickly turn grey. I’ll now spare you some poor viagra jokes.

Offensive Midfield – David Beckham (L.A. Galaxy)
A serial offender deserves to be on this list, even if some of that series are only claims. The world’s most popular footballer certainly has no shortage of admirers, though he has an inkling for the help apparently. Either way, i can empathize with Becks though: I wouldn’t want to have sex with a crazed, plastic Barbie doll like Posh either.

Defensive Midfield – Paul Terry (Darlington)
The older brother to the captain of England, it seems as if adultery runs in the blood of the Terry family. Though Paul has never been able to reach the playing heights of his younger sibling, he has had just as much success in destroying people’s lives. Back in 2010, Paul managed to carry on affair with the fiancée of his Rusheden & Diamonds teammate Dale Roberts, despite already being married to Paul Konchesky’s sister. Roberts was so troubled by the betrayal of his teammate that he soon committed suicide. Those Terry boys are just stand-up individuals, aren’t they?

Right Midfield – Frank Ribery (Bayern Munich)
All the money in the world sometimes isn’t enough to find yourself a quality WAG, as the unfriendly-on-the-eye yet tremendously talented Ribery knows all too well. Maybe that’s the reason Frank felt it necessary to fly in the forbidden fruit of an underage prostitute from Paris in 2010. The then 17-year-old Zahia Dehar is also rumored to have, ahem, worked with other French internationals such as Karim Benzema and Sidney Govou… so he’s not alone in his desires at least.

Forward – Wayne Rooney (Manchester United)
While by no means saying he was right to sleep with an insanely pricey hooker, or a cheaper but older one for that matter, I can sort of see why Wazza might be prone to infidelity. He’s married to the same girl he’s been dating since he was a schoolboy, and it’s hardly imaginable that a young egotistic star on the rise could resist the lure of reaping the rewards of his talents. He probably felt a need to soil his wild oats. However, why he didn’t just head to the club to pick up some young pretty thing instead of paying for an overpriced romp in the sheets is simply beyond me.

peter crouch and abbey clancy
can someone please explain to me how crouch cheated on clancey?

Forward – Peter Crouch (Tottenham Hotspur)
Someone needs to pull Pete aside and have him look in a mirror: there’s no way he won’t recognize while staring back at his pasty, gangly reflection that he is not that attractive of a man. That same person should then show him a picture of his fiancée: there’s no way he won’t recognize that she is smoking hot and that he should have no business marrying a woman so attractive. Then that person should tell him that spending thousands of quid for expensive prostitutes is a giant waste of the very money that has allowed him to bag a girl as hot as Abbey Clancy.

Manager – Sven-Goran Eriksson
Even the managers can use their fame and fortunes to feed their sexual appetites! The former manager of every team ever has twice been caught being unfaithful to his wife. The first time was with a decently attractive Swedish TV commentator, the second with an English FA secretary. He apparently also heavily influenced his successor, as Steve McClaren must have felt the need to live up to the bar set by Sven.

Also, I would rue the opportunity if I didn’t give a nod to these other legends of the game with an additction to the nookie:

  • George Best: The England legend is the original football playboy, famously once saying, “I used to go missing a lot… Miss Canada, Miss United Kingdom, Miss World.” baller.
  • Garrincha: The former samba star is the Wilt Chamberlain of world football, having a confirmed 14 children and the possibility of another twenty-freaking-four around the world. Dads fret not, your daughters are safe: Garrincha passed away in 1983.
  • Jean-François Larios: The former French international famously had a fling with the wife of current-UEFA president Michel Platini in the lead up to the 1982 World Cup. I actually like him a little bit for it.
  • Ronaldo: Il Fenomeno tagged bunches of ladies in his time, and possibly even some transvestites.
  • John Harkes: The American version of Larios, Johnny boy was dismissed from the USMNT shortly before the 1998 World Cup for having a quickie with teammate Eric Wynalda’s wife instead of attending a team meeting.

Now before any of you readers jump all over my back for glorifying assholes that treat women like the property, I don’t condone the behavior of any of the men listed above… unless they’re single. If that’s the case, my advice to those boys is: get it out of your systems before you decide to settle down. No one really needs a super injunction, right?

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