five things i hate about mark clattenburg

Before I get into this, I just want to say that I know Tottenham were probably going to lose the game against Manchester United. Regardless of who you are, if you’re down a goal, away at Old Trafford, and in the 83rd minute, you’re probably not going to win. The incident I’m about to talk about probably had little bearing on the outcome of the game. However…

i hate your face.

I’ve tried to cool down, and it’s not like I haven’t given it time. Even this week’s marvelous result against Inter hasn’t dulled my rage. I’m furious. I hate right now. I was so angry the Sunday after the match that I half-wanted to beat up a neighborhood kid and steal his halloween candy. Especially the one kid wearing this.

Yes, I’m talking about the completely idiotic and absolutely horrible no call by the man currently at the top of my ill-will list, Mark Clattenburg. This A-hole extraordinaire makes my blood boil for so, so many reasons. Today, I’ll give you five of them.

1. He screwed us. Twice.
Yes, I know that Gomes should have played until he heard a whistle. But when a guy doesn’t get the penalty he desires called for him and then grabs the ball with his hand, that normally get’s called and a card. The linesman was no better than Clattenburg, apparently so dense that he had to think about it first. But at least he waved his flag around when he came to the realization that, “Oh yes, I suppose that Portuguese fellow that looks like Michael jackson did just play the ball with his hand there.”

Though to everyone in the world’s dismay, Clattenburg didn’t think he needed to call the infraction. Why you ask? Oh because he was giving Spurs “advantage”. In their own box. The keeper with the ball. Versus a forward. How does that make and freaking sense!?!?!

Oh yeah, and he has given Tottenham the shaft before at Old Trafford. What a prick.

2. That smug look on his face.
You know what one I’m talking about. That one he always makes when players start yelling at him. It’s like he’s saying to himself, “These imbeciles. I wish I could get just one match in without having to deal with a bunch of idiots.” He obviously thinks he’s pretty hot stuff.

A good ref will hardly be noticed on the field. Clattenburg’s smug expression tells me he wants to change that. Mark wants everyone to know he’s on the pitch. Only, problem is, he isn’t that good of a ref.

And if you still don’t know which face i’m talking about, it’s the one above.

3. Controversy follows him wherever he goes.
It’s not just the Lillywhites that Clattenburg has shafted. In fact, he has a track record of being a moron. If you need any further proof for his inability to meet the high standards demanded of an elite referree, there’s even an internet petition that’s been around since october — of 2007 mind you —  that aims to have Clattenburg banned from reffing matches. And yes, I signed it, and you should too.

Let’s also not forget that he’s had some controversy in his personal life as well.

4. His hair.
What does he think he’s doing with that haircut? That’s not a haircut for a 35 year old. Is he trying to woo the minuscule audience of women in the world who are into refs? There can’t be that many… if any, right?

Tell me he doesn’t look like a guy that would go out to bars and try to pick up girls from the wannabe WAG club with lines like, “Hey baby, did you wach the Blackburn game today? Yeah? Well, I was in charge of it.” Either way, I’m guessing no matter what pick up line he ends up choosing and regardless of how aggressive he styles his hair, the ladies will still see notice that he’s actually balding.

5. Ge’s a referee.
Do you know anyone that says, “I just love lawyers!!!” How about the highway patrol? No, you don’t… though they are both necessary evils in our world. And that same sort of rule applies to referees. It’s disgusting how they’re always trying to ruin games by calling you for fouls that may or may not have happened. “No you can’t do that,” they’re always saying after blowing their whistles and looking at you disapprovingly. And Mark Clattenburg is the worst of the lot because he’s a moron with a stupid face and a stupid haircut.

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