Not that this is that surprising, but a good chunk of my friends are also American soccer fans. Many are level headed, normal fans with relatively mundane opinions about the sport. But one in particular happens to have a near-constant stream of bullish, polarizing and/or ridiculous nonsense spilling from his brain instead. Most of it is little more than pure gibberish, however some is pretty damn entertaining. So to honor — or rather publicly embarrass — a delusional pal, I’ll be posting semi-regular quotes whenever he induces a LOL/draw drop.

It’s entirely up to you to decide if you’re willing to subject yourself to the insanity. So without further ado, below is the first edition of Texts from a Wannabe Scouser…

My thoughts?! Oh something along the lines of, “I should probably give the Merseyside police a heads up on the stalker who can likely be found slinking around in the bushes across the street from the Liverpool boss’ home.”

What. A. Creep.