mortal kombat!!!!!

Every work day, I exchange at least 10 to 15 emails with my buddies Lippstick and Milky, arguing about the latest news and rumors in the world of football. And since the football media pour out stories at a rate equivalent to the amount of oil spewing forth from BP’s well in the Gulf of Mexico, we never have a shortage of things to talk about.

Links are exchanged. We discuss potential transfers. Lippstick and I constantly try to remind Milky that Liverpool will again fail to live up to their overly lofty expectations. And unsurprisingly, these exchanges are the birth place for my articles here on WSOTP.

Today is no different.

Milky sent me a brilliant link yesterday, one that sparked an entire conversation that dipped itself into unknown territory — at least when compared to what we normally spend our time writing each other about. The destination for that link, which was only to a .gif file (an animated picture for those non-tech savvy readers), can be seen below:

I’m sure just about everyone reading this remembers this horrifying moment in the World Cup final, when Nigel de Jong did his best Cantona impression into Xabi Alonso’s chest. I’ll be the first to admit that it was a terrible challenge, one that should have seen the Manchester City dirtball midfielder sent to the showers. And as a Real Madrid supporter, I’m just glad that Alonso wasn’t seriously hurt.

But like any soulless bastard, I still love to make light of awful incidents such as this one despite my allegiances. This mindset completely explains why I found the above “modification” of the event so entertaining. The .gif sent me traveling down memory lane, reminding me of the days when my friends and I spent hours in our parents’ living rooms, attics and basements committing heinous acts of bloody, gory murder while playing Mortal Kombat and Street Fighter II.

And that got me thinking… doesn’t de Jong’s tackle actually serve as the template for an awesome video game?

my favorite fighter is manchester city flavored… and crazy.

Imagine being able to choose from a list of twenty of the world’s best footballers, but instead of playing a one on one game with your opponent, you would have a death match of high-kick, kung-fu, and Eduardo-leg-breaking tackles. Wouldn’t that be amazing?!

Think about it for a second: you’d be able to stage a true rematch between Zidane and Materazzi, with Zizou’s “FINISH HIM” fatality move a head butt through his foul-mouthed rival’s chest. The possibilities are pretty much limitless, especially if you have a glut of players at your disposal.

While de jong gets the obvious nod for his theatrical foul, I can easily think of some other players that would be great to fight with:

  • Peter Crouch would be at great advantage for his long reach, though you would have to worry about him constantly flopping… or getting straight broken in half.
  • Argentine bruiser Javier Mascherano is generally known for being a prick, thus making him a great candidate for the game.
  • Milky suggests Papa Bouba Diop, to which I initially balked. But then my pasty friend reminded me that Diop is 6’5”, 217 pounds, and 32 years old… “so he’s got that old man strength.” Point taken.
  • Joey Barton’s track record should be enough to qualify him, and his home fighting ground will be a Liverpool McDonald’s.
  • Wayne Rooney’s temper would be sure to cause a good fight.
  • We have to reserve a place for at least one girl, and no one is more deserving than Elizabeth Lambert of New Mexico fame.
  • Easily my favorite pick would be Craig Bellamy: he’s quick and feisty, he’s Scottish (meaning he’s probably well practiced in bar fights), he’s got a track record of anger management issues, and lastly, he is certifiably a loon.

Sounds great, right? You could even create your own player/combatant, getting to design your fighter from head to toe. Dressed in a Millwall kit, beating the piss out of Matthew Upson would take on a whole new meaning. Not to mention that it would probably be a dream come true for many of the Lions’ faithful.

In all honesty, if you’re not sold on this idea by now then you must be some purist snob who doesn’t want to sully the good name of football with a ridiculous video game. I — on the other hand — think this could make buckets of money, and would be willing to sell my  idea to the highest bidder. Someone get EA Sports on the phone and make this happen… FIFA Fight Night ’11?

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2 Comments

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